Struggling parents of kids who miss school do care about education

When I read Charles Wohlforth's column about how parents are to blame for statewide educational failures, I was caught off guard by my visceral response of anger and pain. Charles' column felt so personal and direct in its attack on me and so many others who have confided in me their stories.  "A major reason for Alaska's poor school performance is that too many parents don't care about education." "Not many of us are born lazy. We learn these values." "No one wants to point blame where it belongs, which is in the mirror."

His patronizing and ignorant views shook me so personally and deeply that I lost a night of sleep. I read his piece three times and tried to tell myself that it is the opinion of one man based on his personal experiences and his interpretation of data and he is entitled to his opinion. But the key word there is entitled.

I can see why, based on his life experience, Charles jumps to blame parents for their kids' education failure. Schools are an easy and comfortable place for him and probably his entire family. He has done well for himself, the son of prominent and respected Alaskans, a Princeton graduate, an accomplished author, and a local celebrity.  I'm making assumptions now but I see him as someone who views school as an amazing and wonderful place,  where community is built and futures are enriched. What kids wouldn't want to come to school? Only terrible, education de-valuing parents would cause this behavior in their children.  But his premise assumes so much and negates the experiences of so many.

Back in the beginning of my ongoing 25-year career in social services, as a recent college graduate, I served as a social worker visiting the homes of those struggling with all the social ills (poverty, addiction, domestic violence and abuse, etc.). In the dozens and dozens of families I interacted with, I did not come across any parent who was not concerned about their child's education. Now, many of them were failing to get their children to attend school regularly, but it was not because they didn't care. A parent working two jobs, who is not home in the morning, who must rely on older siblings or neighbors to get their kids to school, is not the "reason" the kid didn't get to school.

[You can't learn much when you don't show up at school]

When I had kids of my own, I experienced another factor that Charles may not understand — prejudice and institutional indifference that makes school a demoralizing place for many students. My kids went to the same magical private preschool that Charles' kids attended, had the same amazing preschool teachers. But after preschool, I expect that our families' school experiences diverged. You see, mine is a blended-Native family with dyslexics and that is a difficult combination in a system built for a majority culture of natural readers.

Less than two weeks into my oldest son's kindergarten year, he came home with a request to change his ethnicity. "I know it is bad to be Native at school, please mom, tell the school I'm white so I can be good in school; I will only be Native at home with my family." What could make my smart, beautiful son say such things? He shared that teachers in the hallway were talking about how Native children were bad students. Did Charles' kids hear that it was the expectation of their teachers that they perform poorly? After two weeks of kindergarten I experienced the first of three times my son demanded to drop out of school.

Both my boys struggle with reading, my oldest with dyslexia, and we fought a yearslong, emotionally draining fight (and I use the word "fight" literally) with the schools to save them from being left behind and branded with the scar of low expectations.

More times than I can count I sat in my car before walking into their elementary school doing breathing exercises, wiping tears, and practicing what I was going to say to try to get the school to understand what my boys were experiencing.

But my emotional turmoil paled in comparison to what my boys went through nearly every day. The tears, stomachaches, the loss of recess, anxiety, and self-harm they endured was heartbreaking. Yes, they missed a lot of school. They visited private tutors, they went on enriching trips, or they just stayed home as a break from the emotional strain of school. Yes, they did poorly on standardized tests. These tests were simply not designed to measure what my boys could do. Ultimately, they persevered and they learned what they needed to do to succeed.

My boys have reached their potential. They are in an educational setting that is working well for them; they have been taught by many amazing teachers. My oldest son often credits his private reading tutor as having saved his life. But they are the lucky ones, the privileged ones, because my husband and I have the resources and the ability to give them opportunities most struggling parents can't.

I've experienced enough both personally and professionally to know that a struggling or absent student is not caused by an anti-education parent. To make such a claim is irresponsible and demonstrates an utter misunderstanding of the fault that lies in all of us.

Lori Pickett is a longtime Alaskan with years of experience in advocacy,  adult literacy and volunteer management. She is director of programs at the Alaska Literacy Program in Anchorage.

The views expressed here are the writer's and are not necessarily endorsed by Alaska Dispatch News, which welcomes a broad range of viewpoints. To submit a piece for consideration, email commentary@alaskadispatch.com. Send submissions shorter than 200 words to letters@alaskadispatch.com.