Getting your heart's desire to fall in step is a clumsy dance -- at any age
Published: January 16th, 2008 10:21 PM
Last Modified: January 16th, 2008 06:55 PM
Dear Wanda and Wayne,
Click to enlarge
There is this beautiful woman that I have a crush on. She is smart, sexy, has a great sense of humor and a heart as big as a whale. I've known her for a while, but she has been going out with other guys all that time until recently. I've tried flirting with her, as best I know how, but I can't tell if she finds me attractive. Some of it might be that she has had a few misfortunes lately and I don't want to burden her any more than she already is.
She is very independent and can easily take care of herself, but life is so much better when you can share it. I want her to need me and let me show her that she is special and desirable. I am not very good on the phone, and when I see her I'm too shy to do anything without an obvious sign of encouragement.
Should I tell her how I feel and risk losing a good friend and adding to her problems? Or do I stay quiet and just be there for her when she needs a friend while my own heart stays locked in the dark? My last real relationship was more than 12 years ago, and I haven't been on a real date since because of how much it hurt me.
-- Trying to Reopen the Door to My Heart
Wayne
Dude, stop thinking of yourself as some kind of pestilence too horrible to unleash on a woman. If you think you are that awful, you are never going to get anywhere with the ladies. You've heard how a dog can smell fear? Well, chicks can detect self-loathing from across a room full of lonely guys.
By all means, "risk losing a good friend." You don't want her to be just a friend. So what do you have to lose? The key is to be honest and just ask her outright if she would consider you as more than just a friend. But you can not get all desperate and scare the heck out of her. I said be honest, not frantic. Say, "Look (insert name of woman here), we've been friends a long time and so I'm just going to come right out and ask this: Would you have dinner with me?" Trust me, pal, she will be touched. She will be flattered. If she goes for the new relationship angle, wonderful. If not, you have to be man enough to still be a good friend.
Wanda
If you're really trying to reopen the door to your heart, you're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself by placing so much importance on this crush. What are you going to do if you find out she's not interested? Lock your heart up in the dark again? Go another dozen years without a date? That won't do.
Tell her how you feel, but don't blow her answer out of proportion. If she reciprocates, that's great; if she doesn't, let her know that you hope it won't affect your friendship and that you'll still be there for her.
You're allowed to mope for a day or two, but then get thee to a local bookstore and pick up a dating guide or two. There are hundreds of them. There might even be one titled "How to Start Over When You Haven't Been on a Date in 12 Years." If that one doesn't exist, let me know ... I think I just came up with an idea for a new book.
Dear Wanda and Wayne,
I probably shouldn't be doing this because I'm only 10, but: How do you get your crush to love you back? I've been wondering this for a while, because I have a very cute crush but I don't think he likes me. Please let me know as soon as possible, because I really want him to like me.
-- Do I Have to Give You My Name?
Wanda
That is a good question, and one that people have been asking for ages and ages without any concrete answer. Read the first letter on this page -- see? Plenty of adults don't have this one figured out either.
There is no real way to make someone love you, despite what the fashion magazines and perfume commercials and talk show hosts might say. There are ways to become someone's friend, though, which is a better way to approach a relationship anyway.
Relax, be yourself and just talk to him. Ask him questions about himself. Learn what his interests are and discuss the things you have in common. If you both like to play basketball, make a plan to shoot some hoops together. If he's a bookworm, ask him what he thought of the last Harry Potter novel. You get the idea.
If he doesn't like you after you make an effort to be his friend, well, that's his loss. There are lots of guys out there, and you have lots of time to get to know them. Don't waste your time with the ones who are too stupid to see how great you are.
Wayne
I have to say that it is very impressive to see a person as young as you are attempting to deal with this in such a mature fashion. Unfortunately, the bad news is boys are almost always light years behind girls in emotional development. I mean, I was recently accused of acting "like an eighth grader." (Bear in mind that when I was in eighth grade, we studied dinosaurs by watching them eating each other.) But in spite of my advanced age I replied with the scathing and sophisticated response, "Shut up!"
See what I mean?
The chances of a 10-year-old boy stepping up to the plate on this are not good. Still, you have to follow your heart. But start thinking about the word "like" before you set your sights on the big "L": Love. Don't rush this. Make friends with your crush. Do things with him that let him learn to like you. As doofy as boys are, they will eventually figure out when a girl likes them more than casually. True, it could take 10 or 15 years. OK, I'm teasing. But take it slow, lady. Give the dude time to grow up.
Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.
Tiptoeing around the M-word
Are you in "pre-engagement limbo"? Maybe it's time to make friends with Andrea Passman Candell, author of the upcoming book "His Cold Feet: A Guide for the Woman Who Wants to Tie the Knot With the Guy Who Wants to Talk About It Later." Take her quiz -- "Does Your Guy Have Cold Feet? How Cold Are They?" -- below. Let us know how you scored, what you think of the quiz and how your engagement went/is going at wanda@adn.com or adn.com/play/columns/love.
Does Your Guy Have Cold Feet? How Cold Are They?
Which one of these best describes your beau?
1. You ask him if he's thought about getting married. He:
a. Is willing to discuss the possibility of marriage, as long as it's in the future tense.
b. Says, "Can we talk about it later?"
c. Wishes you wouldn't bring it up.
2. You share with him news about a close friend's engagement. He:
a. Seems happy for them but nervous at the realization she was your last friend not engaged, married or (gulp!) pregnant.
b. Suddenly feels the need for a run.
c. Says, "I wonder if he just got tired of her nagging him."
3. You've just had a talk about marriage and now:
a. You're more confused than ever! Did he say he wanted to get engaged or didn't he?
b. You meant to talk about marriage but somehow the conversation got derailed.
c. You're upset. He ended the conversation with "The wedding is your thing, the engagement should be mine."
If his answers were ...
Mostly A's? He's a Fickle Fred.
One minute he's naming your first child, the next he's white as frosting. It's a roller coaster. The good news is you don't need to worry about pressuring him; he's doing it for you! Call him out on his flip-flopping, and remind him he shouldn't have to go it alone. If you can share your hopes and plans, why shouldn't you share your fears?
Mostly B's? Seems like the Terminator, but he's actually The Procrastinator.
It may not be that he doesn't want to get married, but you won't know as long as he shuts you out. He may not be eager to delve into his emotions, but if he wants your relationship to work, he'll have to. Instead of bringing it up whenever you can, try setting aside a specific time to talk about his feelings and opinions on the M-word.
Mostly C's? You're in love with Mr. Me.
He's traditional on his views of engagements and is set on surprise. Talk to him about how this affects you. Let him know that while you understand where he's coming from, you have a plan in mind, too. You can be on the same page without sneaking a peek at his notes!
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