Just days after Alaska's Department of Commerce, Community and Economic Development announced that last summer's disastrous king salmon returns were even worse than first estimated, The Onion -- "America's Finest News Source" -- published an in-depth look at the root of the problem.
The satirical news publication learned that the diminishing return of Alaska's king salmon in recent years is due to, well, the fishes' waistlines ... or lack thereof. The Onion sat down with one "severely obese chinook" to understand the apparent crash:
The fat salmon, who remains unnamed, said:
The unnamed salmon claims that he "tries" to swim everyday, but The Onion talked with sources close to the fish who say he puts "minimal effort" into his diet and exercise routine and often engages in "binge-eating and late-night snacking on crustaceans." The source adds that the fish doesn't even try to "remain attractive to spawning female salmon," adding to his overall failure as a living being.
For more on how obesity is threatening the very survival of salmon, read the Onion's story here.