Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I've been with my boyfriend for a few years. We are both in our early 40s. At first, everything was pretty near perfect. We have lots of shared interests, our friends get along, we have similar views on religion and politics, we both work in the medical profession and the chemistry was awesome.
But things have changed, and now I suddenly have a problem, and it's too embarrassing and personal to talk to anyone about. We have stopped having sex. The last time was in January. It's been nine months. We never had a torrid sex life — like, we weren't the couple grabbing a quickie in the restaurant bathroom. But we had consistent, satisfying sex for the first two years of our relationship. And now, nothing.
Physically, neither of us has changed. Neither of us has lost our job or gone through anything depressing. Life has delivered its usual stresses, but nothing crazy. We still go out and have date nights, or meet up for lunch, or cuddle on the couch and watch movies, and when we fall asleep together we snuggle for a few minutes and decompress, but it stops there. I want him to make a move but it's like we're two scared frozen teenagers who have never done this before. I tried to make a move once and he mumbled that he was tired. I haven't tried since.
By any outside observation we probably appear to be perfectly happy, and the thing is, 99 percent of the time we are. We get along great, and I believe we love each other. I have hoped we might even get married. But now that sex has gone out of the relationship, I simply don't know what to do. How do I rekindle the sparks? Or is that impossible at this point?
Wanda says:
Sex lives gone south are among the toughest issues facing long-term partners. Several years in, a relationship is so complex and layered that sex is really just one part of it. But it's an important part — an activity that defines our romantic relationships. You can reverse this tide, but it will take some uncomfortable conversations, intense vulnerability and a shared commitment to reigniting the spark.
Amy Muise, a social psychologist and postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto-Mississauga, was lead author on a recent study that probed the correlation between sexual frequency and happiness. Here's a perhaps surprising and heartening takeaway for you from this: The research found that despite age or gender, we're happy with sex once per week, and doing it more often doesn't necessarily make us any happier.
[Related: I'm happily married — so why am I Internet stalking my ex?]
This is good news. You don't have to be honeymoon-phasers again! Just start small. Sit your man down, and tell him as awkward and clinical as it sounds, it's essential to your survival as a duo — and as individuals: You need to start having sex again.
The idea of scheduling a time to have sex is nothing new for couples with intimacy stumbles. Yes, it sounds horribly unromantic — and maybe it is. It can also be high-pressure and overwhelming. So phrase it differently. Tell him you want one night a week of quality, intimate time to reconnect, and see what happens from there.
Wayne says:
Forget your forgotten sex life for a moment and let's get to the root of the problem: You guys are old. Two boring, middle-aged, crazy-busy, settled-into-your-relationship-and-routine people whose love life has devolved into cuddling for a few minutes after work before one of you passes out and the other orders takeout. Hey, it happens to the best of aging Americans.
You know what works wonders for tired people in stagnant relationships? A vacation. Trade those bags under your eyes for luggage and book a dream trip! The trip planning alone will bring you guys closer and the anticipation will build into excitement.
If you decide on a mellow trip, there will be plenty of time for sleeping in together and cuddling in bed, as well as reading, dining and long walks together. Sounds delightful. If you choose an adventure like a yoga retreat or hiking/camping trip, you'll show more skin, get the heart pumping, endorphins flowing and surely pitch a few tents along the way. Hee hee.
Speaking of endorphins … One additional factor for this listless love life may be hormones. Maybe your man can't swing for the fences the way he used to. Maybe you don't get the butterflies in your loins when you see him hop into the shower anymore. Remember, you're older and a sex drive stuck in neutral happens to a lot of old people as their hormone tank hits empty.
So, talk to a travel agent, a doctor and your man. I'm confident that with some creativity, some youthful exuberance and your solid foundation of friendship and love that you'll smell like teen spirit again.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.