Advice

How can I help my girlfriend when her issues with food are seriously hurting her health?

Wayne and Wanda have edited this letter for length. It's from a reader who is struggling with his partner's health-related issues, and his challenges sure resonate. How do we help someone we love when he or she is hurting themselves, without losing them or hurting them even more? Is there ever a right time to walk away? Read on:

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I realized quite late into my relationship with my girlfriend that mental health issues seriously affect her health and eating. During the second year of our relationship, it became clear that she didn't have enough money for healthy food, so I pitched in and would add healthy items to my shopping.

In time, her mental illness symptoms became more serious. I'm now completely responsible for her, buying and cooking most meals. Yet she is eating even fewer healthy foods and is spiraling downhill in every way.

No matter what I do I can't seem to help. I joyfully held her hand through every call to the doctor's and related visits, every trip to the pharmacy and continue to give support with as much love and kindness as possible. Needless to say, her mood is volatile and her ability to care for herself is waning.

She is in so much pain and is in denial about how the food she eats/drinks is affecting it all. She was raised in a family of unhealthy eaters who barely cooked and I was raised by a family of cooks and foodies, a grandmother and mother who gave me the task of washing veggies every day. Often I can make it yummy enough to feed her, but between the meds and yoyo appetite, I can't keep up and half the time she is foraging ravenously. I'm usually not around and despite my attempt to leave stacks of food in containers for her, she finds a way to circumvent the plan.

I have offered compromises, made shopping lists that will work for all, but she simply won't cooperate. I am loving about it, but she grows ever more despondent.

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One of my family members has suggested that I run away and leave her. If you have anything to offer, kindly fire away.

Wanda says:

I respect that you've tried to respect your lady's privacy and not overshare nitty-gritty details. So going off what you have shared, here are some thoughts.

You've shown extraordinary patience, care and love in trying to help your partner. Not only have you offered emotional support, you've provided concrete intervention, like grocery shopping, cooking and food prep.

But you're dealing with one or more incredibly complicated issues — ones that typically require professional help and support to heal and move forward. Check out helpguide.org (on.adn.com/2iatuZi) for suggestions on how to help a loved one who is suffering from an eating disorder like binge eating. There are some excellent tips and resources to be found online.

[Advice: My girlfriend's getting obsessive about diet and exercise. How do I get her to stop?]

Should you run? No. Are you tired and lost? Absolutely. Who wouldn't be? You aren't a doctor or a psychologist, and while it sounds like your girlfriend has sought medical help, it hasn't gone far enough in connecting her with the concrete seriousness of what she's dealing with and how she should manage it. For the best path forward, contact a crisis counselor who is trained in mental health outreach via the National Suicide Prevention Line at 800-273-TALK (8255).

Wayne says:

My friend, you might just be a saint. You've gone, and continue to go, above and beyond for your girlfriend. That's what great partners do, of course, and you've more than held up your end of this commitment.

But there's a big difference between going the extra mile for a loved one and fueling a codependent relationship. I don't want to diminish your efforts and I'm certainly not a shrink so I can't say if this situation is textbook codependency, but Google confirms that your actions fall into its many definitions.

So while I appreciate Wanda guiding you to even more options to help you help your girlfriend, I'm giving you an option: It's time to help yourself. At this point, you've done just about all you can do. You're losing the battle, despite your best efforts. She isn't responsive or seemingly not appreciative of your help. You're exhausted, physically and emotionally. At some point, you have to shift your energy to making sure you are healthy and happy. That time is now.

Does that mean taking a break from the relationship? Ending the relationship? What you really need now is to take a big step back, get some space and perspective and try to clearly see why you're doing what you're doing. Instead of finding more help and advice for your girlfriend, go see a counselor for yourself. This is a tough time for you with big decisions ahead. A professional can help, if you're willing to share and listen.

Hopefully with some clarity, you can decide: Is this relationship, and your continued actions helping your girlfriend, healthy for you and best for her? Whatever you choose, make the choice for yourself.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

Wayne and Wanda

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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