Advice

Would it be so bad if I proposed to my boyfriend and not the other way around?

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I've been with "Paul" for four years. We are both 34. We live together and have a dog, and have talked about getting married for a couple of years and starting a family, but Paul has not proposed. Last Valentine's Day, when he pulled out a jewelry box at dinner at Club Paris, I almost fainted. It was a beautiful ring — but not an engagement ring. He said it was a "promise ring." He should have seen how disappointed I was, but honestly he seemed oblivious.

I read on The Knot, a wedding site, that Christmas Eve is the most popular day for proposals and Christmas is third-most popular, so I was super hopeful this year he would ask me. Christmas came and went, and Paul didn't propose.

Now we're coming up on Valentine's Day — our fourth together — and I'm again just completely anxious and preoccupied and obsessing about whether he'll ask (for the record, The Knot says it's the second-highest day for proposals). The thing is, I have a feeling he won't. We've had so many Valentine's Days, Christmases, anniversaries, birthdays — if he hasn't asked yet, will he ever? It doesn't feel like it.

So I'm thinking about asking him. More and more women are proposing, I read in an article. I figure the worst thing is he'll say no and then I can move on. After all, I'm 34, I want kids, I'm not getting any younger. My friends say proposing is a mistake because it's the "man's job." I don't know what to do. Help?

Wanda says:

Formal or no, don't most marriage proposals originate subliminally with a woman? Aren't we the ones who typically push the relationship forward, driven by insane societal pressures and that internal, primordial tick-tock? Jedi-like, we drop the M word, plant the seed: "I am the bride you're looking for … do not move along now." Then we wait for the man to think it's all his brilliant idea, take a knee and pop the question. Cue the wedding bells and cross your fingers for happily ever after.

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[Wayne and Wanda: When wedding proposals prove problematic]

Despite major social advances like viable female presidential candidates, increased gender equality, more women as CEOs and baby changing tables in men's restrooms, women still sit back and wait all dainty-like for the man to ask one of the biggest questions we'll ever answer.

An Associated Press-WE poll found only 5 percent of married women copped to being the one who popped the question. And a study by University of California, Santa Cruz found zero heterosexual respondents — male or female — wanted the woman to pop the question. What gives? It's 2017, and we women are still so hung up on tradition and gender roles that we leave such a giant life step up to our partner solely because of his chromosomal composition. Are we worried our mate will feel emasculated? Are we afraid of rejection? Are we just, simply, worried and afraid?

You asked whether you should take the initiative as another potentially disappointing Valentine's Day bears down. First ask yourself, do you want to marry Paul, or do you just want to be married? And if you do want to marry Paul, are you concerned that in four years, he hasn't taken the initiative to lock it down and make it long-term official? If you feel he's the one for you, and that the four years of lag time makes sense, then hey, why not flip societal expectations on end and put a ring on that man? Worst case scenario is Paul says no, and you know that it's time to move on.

Wayne says:

I am going to work under the huge but hopeful assumption that Paul wants to spend his life with you too. With that, I'll say that he's just being lazy, uninspired and comfortable in this relationship.

Heck, he's already got everything he wants — a dog and a live-in girlfriend who is in it for the long run. He also gave you a promise ring and his promise. I mean, what other signs of long-term commitment do you need here?

Oh, fewer promises and more actual follow-through? That makes perfect sense.

Now, you could buck tradition and ask him to marry you. Like Wanda, I think that's perfectly appropriate. But if you really want to hold out for the guy-on-his-knee-with-a-ring-in-his-hand proposal, then just sit him down and have a serious conversation about where the relationship is going.

[Wayne and Wanda: Dealing with the relationship fallout of Valentine's Day]

Tell him what you told us: that after four years, you're ready for a commitment that's deeper than a promise and a ring with more bling than a promise ring. That you've enjoyed the ride, that you remain excited about sharing your life with him, and that you now need to know if he is too. Basically, stop being subtle and start lighting a fire under his butt. Yes, sometimes it has to come to this.

If you have the talk this weekend and it goes well, that gives him like a whole month to go ring shopping for the big, cliché Valentine's Day proposal!

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

Wayne and Wanda

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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