Dear Wayne and Wanda;
I am very happily married to my partner of eight years. He's in every way a wonderful man and we really live a charmed life, full of fun outdoor activities, homesteading-like adventures out in the sticks, and sharing of comedic and witty rapport that keeps us intellectually stimulated. Unfortunately, I had a brief lapse of judgment while ice climbing this winter and fell and broke both of my ankles horribly. Though he was working in a shipyard in Seattle, his face was the first I saw when I woke up that night from my first of three surgeries.
After the shock wore off and we learned that my breaks were horribly bad, we realized I'd be wheelchair bound and need full-time care for months. He has taken care of me all day, every day, with a big smile on his face, for 49 days straight. I'm going to be in a wheelchair until April at least, so he has another month to take care of me before he has to go back to work for 3 months straight. (I'll be heading south to mooch off of some relatives.)
My question is this: How can I ever repay him for this? I tanked our finances unexpectedly, lost my job, will be unable to work for months, he lost wages to come home weeks early, and will have to work extra days to pay for medical expenses. He also hangs out with me all day, in the first good winter in years, instead of being out snowmachining and skiing to his heart's content. And he does it all with a smile on his face, even when there's not always one on mine.
Obviously, marriage is about loving one another through "sickness and health." But I took the sickness part to the extreme! I have been wracking my brain to come up with a wonderful way to thank him and show my gratitude. I'm going to be cooking a lot of meals in the coming years … and making a lot of sacrifices where I might have stuck to my guns in arguments. But I feel that it's just not enough. Can you two think of some super awesome way that I can acknowledge the massive sacrifices he's making for me? Something that shows I see the sacrifice he's making and will do the same for him when the time comes?
— The Pilon Princess
Wanda says:
Wow. Well first off, let me tell you what you already know: You've found yourself a keeper! Your husband clearly is in it for the long haul, and wants to nurse and nurture you back to your healthy, fun-loving self! Sure, we all say "I do" to the sickness-and-health clause on the big day, but few marriages face such a barrage of tests — not to mention, pass them with flying colors.
Your husband's sacrifice truly seems so impressive, so large, that it makes sense you're seeking a deep and meaningful way to show your thanks. Here are some grand-gesture ideas from our friends at BuzzFeed. Some are proposal ideas, some are simply sweet gifts, but there are a couple of awesome ideas, including surprising your husband with a deluxe, renovated man cave. Surely he could use a little "He Time" after nursing you so dutifully? Once you've healed, consider throwing him a thank-you surprise party (and dub it a potluck to save money!). Or make a modest donation to an organization that represents what he stands for — like the Nordic Skiing Association of Anchorage or the Eagle River Nature Center.
But don't overwhelm yourself with the pressure to perform some immense display. The truth is, you probably never will be able to show him exactly what his care has meant to you. Perhaps think modestly and ask him to buy you a blank book (Barnes and Noble carries many lovely ones). As you recover, and while he is away at work, make daily notes of what his tenderness has meant, how it's sustained you, recall and write about some of your happiest memories and about what adventures you have to mutually look forward to. He'll treasure something like that for years to come.
Wayne says:
Hold on a second, Wanda — it's a little dusty in here. I've got something in my eyes. ("Notebook" references do it to me every time …)
Princess, you have truly found your prince and you guys seem like a fairy tale couple come to life. And I'm guessing that if the casts were on the other ankles (his), that you would drop work and fun to play full-time nurse too. So don't beat yourself up about this or feel that you owe him some above-and-beyond debt. This is what great couples do.
Just continue sharing how much you love and appreciate him. If you feel you need to do more, use all that spare time on your butt to draft some killer outdoor adventure itineraries for him: a few for him to go on while you're with relatives and a few for both of you after you get back on your feet. Be creative — pick his favorite trips and trails, then add in a few new ones. Use Yelp and the Milepost to find places he can get quality food and drink after the fun and research some lodges and campgrounds where he can crash on the cheap. Also, get ahold of his buddies and get them to commit to a trip or two with him, as well. That will be really good for him. And be sure to put together a few road trips and mellow hikes/camping trips for you two around late summer, when you're bouncing back. That will be good for both of you.
Good luck with your recovery. You guys will be smooching on a mountaintop before you know it.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.