Advice

How should I react to my fiancé's change of heart about having children?

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years and recently got engaged. We've always pretty much been on the same page about things. We had really similar childhoods, have similar interests, similar political beliefs, and even work in the same field. Our relationship, to date, has been pretty harmonious. We don't fight very much and we don't disagree on much. We enjoy each other's friends and family and like taking the same kinds of vacations. Bottom line, things have been good.

But there's been a shift lately and it's worrying me. First off, he has started saying he doesn't think he wants kids. This is a problem for me. I've always known I was meant to be a mom and have looked really forward to starting a family with him — he would be an amazing dad! The reason for his change of mind, he says, is he thinks it would be wrong to bring a kid into the world now. He says he can't for certain say the future will be a better place and it's irresponsible to bring a child into that. Also — this is related — he has become increasing obsessed with national and world news along these lines. Things like ISIS, North Korea, different countries' military maneuvers, and he's honestly fearful about World War III breaking out. He watches news programs constantly about this stuff, and I find more and more, it's his main point of conversation.

[Advice: When wedding proposals prove problematic]

I feel like the easy-going guy I fell for is being slowly replaced by someone who's a bit paranoid, news-obsessed, and suddenly isn't in line with me about having kids. I don't know what to do. Help?

Wanda says: 

There are a few major topics that soon-to-be married couples should jointly broach if they want solid bedrock for their blended future. Having kids is a biggie — not only because whether or not one wants to become a parent is a deeply personal and individualized choice for us all, but also because very few decisions have such broad impacts on our entire lives.

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It's unfortunate that you and your fiancé were once solidly aligned on this area and now find your future visions drifting. You probably are hoping this is a phase, and that he will change his mind again. He might.

But he might not. And are you OK with that? How important is being a parent to you? If he feels it's irresponsible to create a new life, would he consider adopting? Would you? These are the kind of big questions that warrant hard discussions well in advance of exchanging vows. If he's voicing these concerns to you — his chosen life partner, and someone with whom he no doubt feels he can be honest and vulnerable — then his statements shouldn't be dismissed as passing sentiments.

It can be hard to talk about these things, and scary to realize our partner may not want what we want. There are tons of online resources to guide engaged couples in these critical conversations, like this article on the website A Practical Wedding or this piece from The New York Times.

As for his growing obsession with world news, find ways to turn him away from the scary broadcasts and headlines. Hit up Redbox on the way home and bring home a light romantic comedy, suggest a night a week where you keep the TV off and spend time talking, walking on the city trails or cooking dinner together, or splurge on a date night. In other words, remind him that despite the violence and divisiveness that's always been a part of our world, it is still a beautiful place.

Wayne says: 

A beautiful place indeed, Wanda, and the flaky and frantic fiancé needs to see that.

It's so easy to get worked up and stressed out these days. Turn on the TV and you've got news anchors with their panels of pundits and reality shows with their casts of idiots milking the drama in a war for your eyeballs. There's a similar battle for your ears by the partisan squawkers on the radio. Newspapers and magazines? Doom, gloom and sex sell baby! And don't even try scrolling through your Facebook or Twitter feeds — everyone is a geopolitical expert these days and no one is willing to take the middle ground or the high road.

Is the world a messed up place? Sometimes, sure. Can really bad things happen to really good people? They do every day. Is the future scary and unpredictable? When has it ever not been …

It's time for your fiancé to unplug from his phone, TV, internet and all of the things that he can't control. And it's time for him to reconnect with the people who matter and the things he can influence. Once he gets past not being stimulated and irritated 24/7, he should be a new, more relaxed man. Or better yet, he will be the old version of the man you fell in love with.

If he can't or won't snap out of it, then maybe you two aren't meant to be after all. Sorry, that's terrible. But if he's this stressed out now, he'll really freak out if you were to talk him into having a child. He'd be an anxious wreck every minute of every day. Not very healthy for him, the child, or you.

Or, curveball here, maybe he's just really stressed about getting married soon and that big unknown is scaring the crap out of him …

Time to find out. Talk to him. Have him cut the cord on nonstop news and cut to the chase about his intentions for this relationship. Hope he's ready to talk about some good news for a change.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

Wayne and Wanda

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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