Advice

Wayne and Wanda: When will my married boyfriend be all mine?

Readers were resoundingly frustrated by a recent letter from a divorcing woman who wondered when her married boyfriend "Pete" would leave the marriage he claimed was purely platonic and only continued because of potentially complex custody and immigration issues.

Got all that? Yes, her situation was all kinds of messy — and more than 100 readers responded with some tough-love advice via social media.

This week, we present some of those comments and our replies to them.

The majority of commenters felt that despite what the woman's married boyfriend said, he would never leave his wife, and was actually probably still very much involved with her.

On Facebook, reader Diana said, "You have no right to expect a happy ending for yourself. You began a relationship with a married man. Despite what he says, he's having his cake and eating it too — sleeping with you both. … Drop him, because if you don't, either way, you are the loser. He'll know you're so desperate that when and if he does get divorced, he'll move on because he's free or if he does marry you, another woman will be his playmate and you'll now be the boring old ball and chain!"

Similarly, Roger wrote, "Pete is living the high life! Gets to eat his cake then go next door and get seconds. Pete ain't ever going to change! Drop him, girlfriend!" And a reader named Jenn said, "I highly doubt he's living in the same house with his wife and nothing is happening. They married for a reason, love. If he's there, they're a couple. He obviously isn't ready to marry you! He won't divorce his wife. Move on and be glad you skipped that second divorce!"

Wanda says:

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Is Pete playing her? Only Pete knows. A huge number of readers – men and women alike – weren't wanting to give Pete the benefit of the doubt. And that's fair. Pete's story surely sounds suspect. If he's still completely involved with his wife, does that change things? Sure. It shifts the facts of this dramatically. But at the end of the day, whether his marriage is over all but legally, and whether he and his wife remain intimate, the unchanged facts here are that the lady who wrote the letter is in a period of upheaval and transition and should be focusing on herself, not on leaping into a complicated liaison with someone who is only sometimes available.

Wayne says:

Whoa now, Diana! She has the right to happiness and the right to not be called a loser. Has she set herself up for unhappiness and failure? Probably. But your rant has practically turned our oblivious if not duplicitous letter writer into a sympathetic figure! Roger and Jenn, on the other hand, nailed it. We shouldn't play judge and jury, but we can definitely do some amateur CSI on this hot romantic mess. Is her man playing her? Is he getting the best of both worlds? Is she ignoring the clues? Does she even care about the potential carnage to his family or her heart? The evidence is plain as day. And if it blows up, she's a grown-up — that's on her.

***

Not all readers responded with mistrust. Maggie wrote, "Pete might be an upstanding kind of guy, and all his divorce/custody issues might be for real. Or maybe his mail-order bride contract doesn't end for a few more years. Either way, you are barking up the wrong tree."

Yvette said, "Custody thing is complicated? Yet thousands of people do it every day." And Kelly Jo wrote, "Pete is just not that into you. … If Pete was into you, he'd have moved out already. If you really care for Pete and think he cares for you, you give him three months. This means moved out, divorce filed/approved , and openly in a relationship with you. Otherwise, he's just a lying player."

Wanda says:

Custody is definitely complicated, and divorce and custody agreements between two people from two different countries are even more complex. But as Yvette said, it can be done. In fact, it's done all the time. This can't be his excuse. If Pete's marriage is indeed over and "custody is complicated" is his excuse for stalling, I agree with many of our readers who feel Pete will never really move forward. Maybe he lacked the motivation to go through the touchy negotiations, tough conversations and legal expenses that his divorce would entail. But if he's serious about this relationship and has been honest about his circumstances, it's time to move forward with the process.

Wayne says:

Hallelujah! The voices of reason! Thank you to these readers for taking the emotion out of this, giving both the benefit of the doubt, and seeing the situation in black and white. That's refreshing to see in the Facebook comments section! Divorce is a headache at best. Throw kids in the mix and you've got a full-blown emotional, and sometimes financial, disaster. But just like the wise Yvette and some intelligent guy named Wayne said, it's a tough situation but eventually you have to be an adult and deal with it. This man's action or inaction will determine how devoted he truly is to his new relationship.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

Wayne and Wanda

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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