Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I dated this guy, we'll call him "Charlie," for about six months. One day, he just stopped calling and texting. No explanation, no warning. In fact, I thought the relationship was great. It was so sudden that I honestly thought maybe he had been hurt in an accident. It confused me, it hurt me and it took me a long time to get over it. I hadn't heard of the term "ghosting" before that, but my friends introduced me to the term after Charlie vanished. I sent him a bunch of texts and finally, weeks later, he wrote to say he was going through a lot. It wasn't about me, he just didn't have time for a relationship, etc. And I never heard from him again. That was last summer.
Last week he texted out of nowhere. He asked if I wanted to get a drink and talk. I'm an idiot, so I said yes, and so we met and he said the last year he has done a lot of soul searching and he really regrets how he handled things. He apologized and said he'd been going through a really rough time and he's in a better place now and would like to try dating again.
I told him I need to think about it, and I don't know what to do. I was crazy about this guy, but I'm terrified if we get together history will repeat and he'll just bolt again. But at the same time, I do believe in second chances and we had something really great between us. I would appreciate any advice.
Wanda says:
Hmm, had something really great, did you? So great that he just walked out on it without a backward glance or kind word and gave a halfhearted exit interview via text only after you badgered him for answers?
Communication is the bedrock of relationships, period. And you know what else is foundational? The ability to support each other through thick and thin, to be vulnerable in our darkest times, and to let someone in 100 percent. Doing so can be scary. It can be hard work. It can be messy and emotional and difficult, but standing by each other in dark times builds the bonds and trust that will fortify your union.
Charlie did not want to share, or let you in, or do any of the hard work, or pull aside any of the curtains that would reveal whatever it was he was going through. Who knows? Not you — because he wouldn't share. He was closed off and secretive, and when he had a choice, he chose to walk away and deal with it on his own without even affording you the respectful explanation owed to you. This reveals some big warning signs about Charlie — and also shows that he's a poor communicator, fairly emotionally fractured and doesn't know how to truly be a supportive partner.
He walked away from you last time. This time, I suggest you do the walking.
Wayne says:
Hold up a second — maybe something bad really did happen to Charlie! And perhaps this new, thoughtful and contrite version of him is a ghost! Did you ever touch him? Did he have an odd glow around him? Did he ask to make pottery with you while the Righteous Brothers played in the background? Did any of the millennials reading this column even get that reference? Whoa, maybe I'm an old ghost too … Where's Haley Joel Osment? Darn it! Another '90s movie reference that only our newspaper readers will get …
Look, Wanda and I can point out red flags or give you a green light, but this decision is squarely on you. And it sounds like you've already made it. You answered his text, met him for a drink and listened to his life story/excuses/apology/etc., right? And you remain intrigued. And you believe in second chances. And you'd love to bring back that loving feeling.
That doesn't make you an idiot. It makes you a warmhearted, single-status human being seeking a partner, chemistry and happiness.
So, you've already faced the worst this guy can offer (hopefully). If you genuinely want to give him and a relationship a second chance, do it. But don't go through it scared. If you're filled with anxiety, you might as well tell him to get lost now. You shouldn't be carrying the stress. He should.
Instead, be mindful of what you can handle, as well as smart and safe. Take lessons from the first go-around and bring them into this second chance. Ensure he makes the proper amends and proves that he isn't a flight risk. The apology was the first step. The follow-through in the coming days, weeks and months will provide clarity for you. Good luck.
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