Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I have been seeing "Pete" for a year now. We spend a few nights a week together and I am ready to talk about moving in together. But Pete won't even discuss it. He says it's too soon and he likes having roommates.
He's never lived with anyone – which I think is weird, because he's 35 years old. Isn't it normal that by that age, someone has at least had a live-in relationship? It's making me doubt whether he's really serious and whether we have a future. I feel like he'd rather just have someone who's available when he wants a buddy (a romantic one, but still a buddy). Should I move on?
Wanda says:
You may need to move on if your alternative is having Pete move in. This is obviously a guy who is long-stuck in his ways, and has no real intent of changing, adjusting or compromising anytime soon.
Right now, you feel like Pete's on-call girlfriend, versus a full-time fixture in his life, and this is completely understandable. Pete sure has it good: It's awesome to have someone available when you need a Netflix snuggle buddy, a movie-and-dinner partner or a sexy sleepover date, but as relationships evolve, they are so much more than fun and games and meet-ups. It's about building a life together, negotiating major decisions as a team, weathering the mundane daily tasks, dividing labor and bills, and more.
Will Pete ever change? Maybe. Is it weird he's 35 and has never lived with anyone? Kind of. But not totally. Maybe he just hasn't met the right person. After all, moving in together is a major decision – and a hard one to reverse once you've combined household goods, pets, habits and lease agreements. There's no timeline on such a massive decision; some people cohabitate after weeks, or months, while others wait years, or never take the plunge.
You sound like you're at a point in life where you're ready to meet someone who's open to taking big steps. Have you explained to Pete why moving in together is so important to you? Make sure you've clearly communicated your interests. This isn't just about the convenience factor of having Pete around. Rather, you're ready to move forward – and up – as a couple.
A friend long ago told me sharks breathe by moving forward, and relationships are like sharks: If they don't move forward, they suffocate. Figure out if Pete is willing to make that forward motion with you, even if it's some kind of compromise in the interim, with moving in together an eventual but agreed-upon goal on the near horizon.
Wayne says:
But Wanda, what if Pete is the shark and relationships and commitments are those little blood-sucking fish that cling to him as he swims through a life of epic aquatic adventures?
Like sharks, commitment can be frightening. They can also be really freakin' cool! So, how do you reconcile the fear and honor the awesomeness while keeping this machine moving? You grab your partner's hand and face those fears with them. Sometimes by jumping into the deep end of a preferably shark-free pool; sometimes with baby steps around the pool.
Remember, there are large schools of fish (humans) that are quick and happy to cohabitate with family, friends, coeds and lovers. But there are also solo swimmers (sharks! Pete!) that are perfectly happy having their own space and buffer zones from all of those people. Don't assume that moving in together, or even the concept of it, is easy for Pete. Also, don't assume that he doesn't want to do it or doesn't want to do it with you.
All I am saying is give Pete a chance. Talk with him about the importance to you of moving the relationship forward to cohabitation while also asking him to share what he's comfortable with as far as a timeline.
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