My fiancé won’t put any effort into getting to know my parents – and that’s not the only problem

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I was wondering if you can help. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now and he asked my father for my hand in matrimony, which I thought was pretty impressive. He did that last July, so it has been a year since we got engaged.

Despite getting engaged, I have wondered if he is the right person for me. He has only been to my parents' a couple times, and the times he has wanted to go (was) one of those times; all the other times I practically obligated him. He doesn't seem very interested in getting to know them, which concerns me. If he really loves me, he should be willing to do things that he might not feel like doing.

Yesterday we got into a big argument about him again not going to my parents' house. He had car trouble and he said he feels uncomfortable using my car because it's too small. To me it sounded like another excuse. I saw no effort. He said I don't understand that it's hard for him to go to my parents' without me.

Also, there is one other thing: We have never had sex. That might sound weird, but he is a bit overweight and has been trying to lose weight and I have been waiting for him to feel more confidence.

I love him but I want him to make more effort with my parents and I'm wondering when we will start being intimate. Any advice would help.

Wanda says:

Both problems — the lack of intimacy and his unwillingness to interact with your parents — boil down to the same core issue: Your fiancé has major self-esteem issues. These issues may be rooted in his insecurities around his weight, or may be bolted to something even deeper like a childhood trauma or an untreated and undiagnosed mental health issue. The fact is, you won't see changes until he puts in the time and effort to begin working on himself.

This self-work likely goes deeper than simply losing some weight. He sounds like he has some pretty intense social anxiety issues and his inability to be intimate with you — the person he has proposed to — is alarming. But he himself may be alarmed if you demand he see a doctor or therapist. Mental health issues can be terrifying, confusing and unfortunately can still carry a stigma. Even when someone is aware that their behavior is off, or unusual, or unhealthy, taking steps to delve in and understand that and then get treated can be incredibly daunting.

The best thing you can do for your fiancé is be by his side as a support in this journey of self-awareness and improvement. Offer to sign up for couples counseling and see if he's willing to speak to a professional with you at his side. Tell him you think this is the best solution if you're to make it as a couple. Then he has to play, though; if he's unwilling to take a deep hard look inside himself and do the work to bring balance to your relationship, then you're facing some hard decisions.

Wayne says:

Wow — the old "my-car-is-broken-down-I-can't-make-it" excuse. This truly is a dire situation.

But it isn't a hopeless situation. The most important thing to recognize is that his heart is in this. He asked your parents' permission to ask for your hand. Then he asked for your hand. Those are positive signs.

Partnership is a marathon, not a sprint. So work with him and work out with him. Support him and push him. You're his partner and he needs you. And communicate, communicate, communicate. Like Wanda said, you guys have to talk to get to a space where you know what's really going on right now and what's going to happen in the future.

And hey, you wouldn't be human if you didn't have second thoughts about getting married. Everyone freaks a little, right? So shake that off and center your vision on getting what you've always wanted out of this: a healthy, happy relationship with a healthy, happy partner.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.