Is it just my pregnancy hormones, or is my husband sneaking around on me?

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I recently married "Pete." I am in my late 20s and about 10 years younger than him. Early on, I realized this was someone I could potentially spend my life with. But early on I also realized there were some problems. I caught Pete lying on several occasions, usually not about anything serious. But less than a year into our relationship, I found Pete was online chatting with women, and the chats were at times very sexual. Pete sent them naked photos, too (and they reciprocated).

We broke up. A year passed and then, Pete came back. He said he missed me and confessed that he had a problem with sex for years — he basically insinuated it was a sex addiction issue. It did shed some light; we always had a great sexual relationship but sometimes it was tiring and seemed impossible to ever fully please him. He said he had been seeing a therapist. So we started dating again. And then I got pregnant.

We got married when I was just a few months along. The wedding was perfect and by that point, I felt Pete's commitment 100 percent, and we are both super excited about the baby. But now that I'm about to have my first child, I'm worried maybe Pete hasn't changed. He no longer goes to therapy and he is on his computer or phone all the time. He said he's working but won't give me his passwords so I have no way of really knowing. A friend said she saw him out recently (I didn't know he had gone out) and that he was with a bunch of girls.

How can I tell if Pete's still lying and sneaking around? I don't know what to do. My emotions are on overdrive with pregnancy hormones too. I don't want to push him away after he's worked so hard to change, but in my gut I just don't believe things are different.

Wanda says:

Your gut is warning you things haven't changed. Your gut is also holding Pete's baby. Having a child — especially a first child — is an intense, scary, exciting time, and your partner should provide support, not potentially make things harder. Pete has to get a handle on his issues — and you need the confidence he's doing this work — in order to restore balance to your relationship.

Some experts have debated whether "sex addiction" is even a thing, but for those whose lives and relationships have been overturned by erratic and seemingly irrepressible sexual acting-out, there's really no question. In a recent Psychology Today article, therapist Robert Weiss defines sexual addition as "out-of-control behaviors that are causing negative consequences in the client's life, much as we define alcoholism and drug addiction by out-of-control substance use that leads to serious life problems." Weiss, like others, posits that folks with true sex addiction issues likely suffer from a major early-life trauma.

[Advice: Does sexting an ex break any rules?]

I'd suggest sitting down with Pete, and telling him you love and support him and as you prepare to become parents together, you want to better understand the work he did with his therapist and you want assurance that there isn't anything more he or you both need to do to ensure the stability of your marriage.

Of course, there's always a chance Pete isn't actually a sex addict, and he's just an egomaniac nearing 40 who gets ego gratification by sending photos of his (bleep) all around the greater Anchorage Bowl. I hope that's not the case, for your sake, but if it is, it's always better to know than to be in the dark.

Wayne says:

To directly answer your question: He's still lying. He's still sneaking around. Extra credit answer: And he still can't, or won't, control his urges.

Whether he's addicted to sex or is just a player who's gonna play play play play play, that's for someone who committed way more time and money to college than I did to decide. But it doesn't take a Ph.D. to see that your man is back to his wandering ways. Your friend certainly saw it. And while it sounds like hormones are making things a little blurry for you these days, your intuition is crystal clear.

So, what to do? With a baby on the way, the ink barely dry on the marriage license, a relationship that has had its high points and a man who has had his good behavior streaks, it's worth doing some work and giving him another shot.

It's intervention time. Corner your man, call him out, let him know what's at stake and what he's going to have to do to make it right. It will be hard and he's going to have to commit to doing the heavy lifting ­– you are pregnant, after all, and he's the one making the mess. If he can return to his routine of therapy and monogamy, then you've got his back. If he can't or won't shake his wild ways, then you've got to call him a hopeless cause and then call a good lawyer.

Best of luck.

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