Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I'm struggling with how much of my past to share with my current partner. I've lived in Anchorage for years, and he hasn't, so while his exes aren't here, mine are. I had one really long relationship previously and my boyfriend knows all the basics of that. But he's generally said he doesn't need or want to know about shorter or more casual relationships I had.
Here's where I'm struggling with that. First, sometimes we are out and run into friends and maybe one of those friends is someone I made out with once, or hooked up with or even dated for a few weeks or months. It feels weird that we hang out with this person all evening but he doesn't realize that guy is an ex — even though in fairness it isn't someone I even think of as an ex, more so just a friend with whom I once had a mild flirtation that briefly resulted in something physical. Still, I feel like I'm being dishonest by not cluing him in.
Second, I want to know more about his past. When I ask, he says "the past is passed." Yes, that's his philosophy, but not necessarily mine, and I would like to know more about his history, not because I don't trust him but because I think it's important to understand why his past relationships didn't work so we can make sure to not repeat history.
I'm pretty sure I've been with way more people than he has and my friends say I should just let it go and listen to him and drop it. But doing so doesn't feel right. What do you recommend?
Wanda says:
Deciding what pieces of our past to share with a new (or newish) partner is one of the trickiest things to navigate. On one hand, we want to be open and honest. On the other, no one wants to suffer through a download of our significant other's previous dating drama, which involves the inevitable ick factor of having to imagine them in romantic arrangements with people who aren't us.
At the same time, don't we deserve to know what we are getting into? Think of the early months of dating like a prolonged job interview, and to that table you should bring your romantic resume. He needs a high-level overview of your history — for instance, "I went through a period after that break-up when I played the field" is way better than, "After Jeff broke my heart, I slept with seven men in four months." Get it? Stick to facts that are grounded in basics and generalities so that you can maintain honesty without overwhelming him with dishy details. Trust me, he doesn't want to hear it.
As for the guys you run into while out, isn't that all they are, really? Casual acquaintances who have little serious significance in your life today. The past, with them, is not worth mentioning.
Finally, your partner has made it clear that he has no interest in rehashing the romantic carnage of his past. Respect that. Instead of asking about specific people he dated, ask about his needs and deal-breakers: For example, instead of saying, "Tell me all the reasons Tamara was crazy and that relationship sucked the life out of you," try, "Tell me about how you prefer to face conflicts when we disagree."
Wayne says:
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Might work on "Judge Judy," but not in our complicated lives. In the real world, the truth can often hurt others and ourselves. The truth might set us free, but it might also brand us with scarlet letters of shame or disappointment.
We can't change the past, but we can certainly modify it in our storytelling. Call it creative nonfiction. Here, we can rewrite sections, change, create and delete characters, even cut or add entire chapters. And we don't just have this power in our romantic relationships; we can use selective recollection with family, friends, co-workers and strangers.
Ever get on Facebook? Social media is the ultimate modern altered reality. We control our narratives, imagery, hashtags and emoticons. (Even some of the news in your feed isn't totally real! Can you believe that?)
Does protecting or changing the recounting of our pasts make us dishonest? Terrible people? Modern-day George Costanzas? Depends on our personal moral codes, what we're choosing to share, hide and make up. Heck, it might make us cautious, sensitive and even mindful of others and ourselves.
So, the sharing of your past should be a case-by-case situation. In your case, you can share all you want. Just don't expect him to believe you entirely. And definitely don't try to force him to share his past. Even if he reluctantly agrees to open his book, you might not be getting the whole story.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.
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