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Advice

After 6 months of dating, shouldn’t he have told me he was still sleeping with his ex?

  • Author: Wayne and Wanda
  • Updated: May 5
  • Published May 5

(Getty Images)

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

"Bob" and I have been seeing each other for about six months. Things have been so great and we've been spending more time — and nights — together. So finally a few days ago I posted a photo of us together on Instagram, gave it a #datenight tag, and honestly felt really good about sort of telling the world I was committed to this guy.

Two hours after I posted the photo, a woman commented: "I hooked up with this guy last week." I was gutted. I felt even worse when some quick and easy internet/shared friend fact-checking revealed the woman was in fact his ex. He denied it at first but soon after admitted that in the six months we've been hanging out, he'd seen her "a few times." He said he didn't feel like it was wrong since we hadn't officially defined our status.

Now I don't know where to go with this. I am nuts about this guy. I adore him and our chemistry is insane. He isn't lying — we never did declare monogamy. Yet I can't help but feel totally wronged (and sad, grossed out, pissed, etc.) and I wonder if I can ever even trust him again. We may not have verbalized our commitment to each other but at the same time, he knew for a fact I wasn't seeing anyone else, and I told him multiple times I was "all in."

I want to message his ex and see if her story lines up with what he's telling me, but wouldn't that be a step backward by mistrusting him? Do I give this a shot, or bail? Do I message the ex? Do I believe him?

Wanda says:

Ambiguity is the foundational undoing of too many relationships in this era of incessant options and fluid boundaries. No doubt, you were trying to go slow with Bob, let things take their course, and see how life panned out. Unfortunately, while you saw the last six months as a chance to slowly get to know each other, he saw it as a chance to keep sowing oats — and sleeping with exes — before you pinned him down with monogamist expectations and big words like "love" and "commitment."

Don't bother messaging the ex. She's telling the truth. The guy you're "nuts" about was all about side pieces and personal gratification as long as the gray area provided a guilt-free playground and a get-out-of-jail-free card should he be confronted. Indeed, when you did confront him, he doesn't sound particularly apologetic. Moreso, he seemed explanatory, telling you why his dalliance with his ex was permissible.

He isn't entirely wrong here. You were probably "just seeing each other" or "hanging out," which allowed space for him to get away with a few last hurrahs. But let's be honest here: he knew what he was doing was wrong, which is why he hid it, why he never told you, and why you were so stunned to learn of his deception. You can do better than this guy and even if you try to make it work, you won't be able to trust him moving forward, ever.

Wayne says: 

#Yikes #Trustissues #Ohnohedidnt #Datenightdisaster #Stayoutofmycommentssection #Moderndating

I feel for you. I really do. That's heartbreaking, disappointing and embarrassing. I'd delete that post and delete that man ASAP. But that's just me, Wanda and you.

There's another group out there thinking, "So what's the problem here?" Before you made it Insta-official the other night, you had six months to make it real-life official. You didn't. He certainly didn't. And he didn't break any commitments between the two of you. You were just "seeing each other," right? Heck, maybe he feels like you broke his trust by putting his business out on the IG streets. And for all he knew, you were dating, and sleeping with, other people, too.

Well, at least there's no more gray area with this guy and his ethics: he exposed his true self when he lied to you about the ex sex, then walked it back and admitted to it all.

No matter where you sit on this dating debate, this is a learning moment for us all. Be clear about how you feel, what you want and how you expect to be treated. If you communicate with clarity and honesty, you'll avoid situations like this and people like him.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@adn.com.

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