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Advice

If you say ‘no strings,’ should you be mad he couldn’t wait to leave after hooking up?

  • Author: Wayne Wanda
  • Updated: December 15, 2018
  • Published December 15, 2018

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I’m a mature, responsible woman in my 40s who happens to have been single for some time. During a recent night out with friends, I found myself really connecting with “Tyler.” I’ve known him casually for years and have always thought of him as attractive though it would be a stretch to say I’ve put any more thought into it than that. But being single for so long, let’s just say after a few Champagnes, I was looking at Tyler in a whole new light.

As it got closer to the time to go home, I suggested he come for a nightcap. I also made sure to say I wasn’t suggesting anything serious — just some fun between two adults. We called an Uber and headed to my place and had quite a fun time.

But here’s where I’m a little miffed. Afterward, Tyler was dressed and out the door literally in minutes. Like he couldn’t leave fast enough. I know I said “nothing serious” but it made me feel incredibly used. As he was practically running to meet the Uber, he said he would text me when he got home and we would “talk soon.” He didn’t text. I waited up a while and finally messaged to make sure he got home OK. His reply was “Y! Thx!” Like he didn’t even have the time to type yes?

I find myself feeling mad at how he handled things and then feeling mad at myself for that. I'm a grown woman and knew what I was asking for, so why am I so irritated with the outcome?

Wanda says:

I have so many similar stories of girlfriends claiming they simply wanted to have a little fun and then felt all kinds of hurt and rejection when the evening abruptly ended. What you’re going through is normal — confusing, yes, probably even annoying, but normal all the same.

You offered Tyler a no-strings hook-up, and he took it with gusto and gratitude. You didn’t ask Tyler for a hook-up, followed by cuddling that might melt into an accidental sleepover, followed by morning sex, leading into an afternoon of lazy couch time binge-watching each other’s favorite Netflix shows over takeout. Heck, you didn’t even propose a simple sleepover. So yes, you so need to cut the guy some slack for simply fulfilling his part of the bedroom bargain.

But you could learn from this. Why was the purely sexual hookup so unfulfilling? What more did you want that you didn’t get? What does this tell you about where you’re at in life right now and what you truly need from a partner? I encourage you to channel your discontent into soul searching to uncover what it is your heart truly wants.

Wayne says:

You know what I love? Pizza. Moose’s Tooth to microwave Totino’s. Steaming hot out of the oven to congealed cold from the fridge. Supreme to cheese. Deep dish to thin crust. All you can eat at a buffet to meeting leftovers in the break room. Once a month or 10 times a week. Whenever and wherever there’s pizza, I’m happy.

Of course, I have my stranded-on-a-deserted-island favorite, but I also understand that not everyone loves my pizza place or my pizza selection. So when I’m out with friends who have discriminating pizza palates, I roll with whatever they or the group want. Because ultimately, I really don’t care — I just want pizza.

You? You say you were just craving some pizza, but then the delivery boy arrived and you’re all picky that the pizza didn’t have your favorite toppings, it didn’t stay in the oven a little longer for firmer crust, the slices were cut too wide, and there wasn’t enough for leftovers in the morning.

You can have your pizza and eat it, too. But unless you’re a pizza monster like me — I can’t believe I’m telling a mature, responsible woman this — you need to be pretty darn specific about your pizza or of course you’re going to be disappointed. There are just too many variables involved, too many opportunities for dissatisfaction.

So, now that you’ve had the less-than-filling House Special Good Night Surprise (delivered in one hour or less!), you know not to trust the chef to read your mind anymore. Act your age, not your pizza diameter — be clear with your order.

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