Advice

My boyfriend said it was over with his ex when we got involved, but now it seems that wasn’t so

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I got involved with my boyfriend many months ago when he was still seeing someone. At the time, he assured me his relationship was basically over. We were involved for a few months before he ended things with his girlfriend, and then we immediately became official.

To my knowledge, his ex remains pretty angry about how things ended. Friends have filled in the blanks, and it sounds like it wasn’t as cut and dried as he let me believe. Maybe their relationship had more to it than he let on, and it sounds like she was blindsided that he left her, and that he and I were involved.

I’ve tried not to let all this affect how I feel about him and us. I truly love him and I feel like we were meant to be. But I worry that since he left her for me, and wasn’t honest with me about their relationship, he might do the same to me.

I’ve brought this up a couple times and at first he said what we have is once in a lifetime, which is why he was unfaithful and he swore had never cheated on anyone before and would never again. But in our most recent conversation, he got way more defensive and said I can’t keep holding this over him and that I was just as complicit as him in the affair and challenged that maybe I’m doubting my own loyalty.

I’m afraid this relationship may be too dysfunctional out of the gate to have hope of a healthy future. What do you think?

[Anchorage’s dating pool is so small, and the pandemic isn’t helping. How can I meet new people?]

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Wanda says:

Some say “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I don’t buy that. Sometimes good people make bad choices even with the best intentions. That doesn’t necessarily sentence them to a life of similarly selfish and damaging behavior. But sometimes a cheater will cheat again, and while they also say love is blind, I say open your eyes and be extremely vigilant to warning signs, history, details and patterns.

Here’s what we know in your case. Your boyfriend was quick to write off his infidelity with you as a crime of passion. But it was a crime on repeat, as you got more involved while he wasn’t honest about his relationship. Your affair went on a while — months! — before he finally had the decency to end things with his ex.

Additionally, as you’ve tried to explore the past and determine exactly what went down, to better ensure a prosperous future, he’s blame-shifting and heaping more of the onus on you. Not to say you didn’t play a role; you willingly got involved with someone in a relationship — and you should probably do some self-work on just why you let that happen. But this is about him, and whether this is something he’ll do again. The fact that he’s proven to be duplicitous and evasive would certainly give me pause about whether this is a connection worth pursuing further.

[My new year’s resolve to get healthier is being sabotaged by my boyfriend and gal pals]

Wayne says:

Oh, for sure, Wanda! This guy is a prime-time player and master manipulator who specializes in mind games and taking no blame. And Ms. Letter Writer, while I’m far from inspired by the origins of your fairy tale, I am impressed that you have stepped back from something you feel could be great to get a clear look at the big picture.

And unlike your man, your gut is not lying to you: If there’s this much drama now, in what should be your honeymoon phase, imagine how crazy things could get if even more stories start unraveling and when he becomes really comfortable blaming you for any and all issues. Heck, one day he might even claim that you destroyed his once-promising relationship with his ex.

Life is crazy and — what’s the saying? — stuff happens. Well, I won’t judge how you two got together. But I will be disappointed if you don’t follow through on what you know is right for you and leave this guy before the stuff gets really deep.

Wayne and Wanda

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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