Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’m in a weird spot and need some input. I don’t love my job and I’ve been looking for a change for a while. In the meantime, I met “Sally.” We’ve been dating for a few months. She’s great — cute, fun, driven. The relationship is pretty new and while it has a ton of potential, I wouldn’t say it’s serious yet.
A few weeks ago, I found the perfect job opening. It sounds exciting, the pay is great — and it’s in Seattle. I was always open to and even excited about a move if the right job came up, so I applied. I got the call today that I am a finalist and have an interview next week.
I know I’m slightly getting ahead of myself, but I’m not sure what to do if I get this job offer. It’s literally my ideal job. But Sally is really great. It seems weird to ask her to come with me when we’ve only been dating a few months, and I don’t think she’d leave Alaska anyway. She is an Alaska girl through and through, born and raised here, totally into the outdoorsy Alaska lifestyle. I definitely can’t imagine her in a city. It also seems like our relationship is too new to try long distance.
On top of all that, I’ve actually never told her I’ve been looking for a new job and I’m only just now realizing that was probably a mistake and this could really catch her off guard.
Any advice?
Wanda says:
You certainly have a lot to figure out and you don’t have to do it alone. You’re in a relationship — even if it’s new, even if you’re still seeing where it’s going, you’re definitely in an exclusive, committed relationship, which means you have a wingman for tackling life’s problems and challenges. You also have something of a moral obligation to clue that person in when you’re considering major life decisions that would affect them, like becoming a vegetarian or making plans for Christmas or, um, moving to another state!
[My partner loves his job on the Slope, but I have doubts about a 2-week-on, 2-week-off relationship]
Changing jobs and possibly relocating are both kind of a big deal and you really should have clued Sally in a while back, like after-the-third-date a while back. She’s probably going to be offended and hurt you didn’t. Consider how it looks: While she’s been slowing building a relationship with you and investing her time and energy, it looks like you’ve had one foot out the door, trolling jobs.com for your next big thing. At the least, you haven’t told her about your professional unhappiness, which gives the impression you aren’t open and are capable of hiding things.
So first step, talk to Sally. Tell her you realize you should have brought her in months ago, and now that an opportunity has come up, you would love her thoughts and input. And then it’s on you to actually be receptive to the feedback and emotions she shares with you.
Wayne says:
I could spend my 250ish words — and many, many more, really — reconstructing the timeline of wrong turns and self-centered decisions that led to this train wreck, but the real mystery remains unsolved. It boils down to what you really want out of life, right now and in the future.
So, what’s most important to you? Building a relationship with a really great woman or starting a new, possibly great job? Living in Alaska or moving to the city? Spending your spare time scanning Match or LinkedIn?
Turn off your racing mind for a minute and consider this: There are an endless pool of potential jobs out there, just like there are plenty of potential partners. But there are only a few excellent jobs out there, just like there are just a few special potential partners that come along.
You can have both, of course — that’s the dream, right? However, in your current situation, you’ll likely have to decide between the two, if you get this job offer and if your girlfriend doesn’t dump you on general principle when she finds out. And if the job offer fizzles and your girlfriend flees, at least there’s a lesson here: be honest with the special people in your life.