Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months exclusively; we dated off and on for a few months before that, too. Last week, I told him I loved him. I hadn’t planned on it. Admittedly we had been out and had some cocktails, and it was a rather intimate moment back at his place when I dropped the L word. For a minute he didn’t say anything, but then he told me he “thinks” he’s “falling” in love with me.
Now I’m freaking out. Falling in love sounds different from being in love. Does this mean he will love me if I’m patient? Or did he say this because he knows he doesn’t love me and never will? And to be picky, he didn’t actually say he was falling in love, he said he thought he was.
To my knowledge, this is his first exclusive relationship in a long time. Frankly, he’s always had a reputation as being a pretty big player. When he agreed we wouldn’t see other people, I was thrilled and probably also a little surprised, if I’m being honest, because he’s never been that guy who got serious about someone. But I really thought we were on the same page and now I’m wondering if I’m just wasting my time with someone who isn’t cut out for long-term commitments. Advice?
Wanda says:
The phrase “falling in love” is an interesting one, isn’t it? The very use of the word “falling” suggest a helpless and unstoppable tumbling downward, a kind of uncontrolled momentum — which is good, because momentum means progress, and it means the relationship is in fact progressing. But to hear “falling in love” when what we really want to hear is that someone completely, totally, madly worships us can result in disappointment and confusion, for sure.
There are a lot of reasons one might default to using the qualifier “falling” and sidestep a full-blown declaration of adoration; some of these reasons are promising, and others, not so much.
One hopeful interpretation could be that your boyfriend isn’t super familiar with the land of committed relationships, and saying the L word could be a huge, scary step for him, even if he feels it and wants to say it. On the flip side, he may just really like you and as a placeholder in response to your admission, used “falling in love” as the next-best thing to actually being there, a sort of vocal way to save the moment and not totally disappoint you.
The answers lie with your man, so if you really want to know where you stand, just ask him. Talking about our feelings can feel forced and decidedly unromantic, but it’s also the surefire way to know whether he’s on your same path.
Wayne says:
I mean, he did reply with the word “love” and expressed it explicitly about you. For a longtime player and short-time boyfriend, that’s a pretty solid response that should be taken as a win for you and the relationship.
But instead of feeling light and enjoying the ride to the next level, you’re overanalyzing and stuck. Why? He didn’t run screaming. He didn’t ghost you. First, he committed exclusively to you, and then literally returned a message of love to your declaration of love. What more do you want or expect at this point? Moving in? A proposal? This isn’t “Bachelor in Paradise,” there isn’t a timer counting down, and there isn’t an expiration date on when this might go sour.
You know what scares people who aren’t used to settling down? The prospect of being forced into settling down before they’re ready. You know what makes confident people bolt from a new relationship? Having their seemingly confident partner act increasingly insecure and adding stress to the new relationship.
You’ve got a good thing here. If you can’t see it or let it breath and continue progressing naturally you might as well bail out now before you drive yourself, and him, crazy.