Advice

My wife wants to join her friends and get Botox, but I don’t think she needs to change

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I’m concerned about my wife. Her looks have always been important to her, which I appreciate and admire, as we both do put a lot of energy into staying active and healthy. But to me it’s always been about that — health and wellness, a long life, and not overly indulging in risky behaviors, so we can feel great and spend as many years as possible together.

I know it’s different for women and she feels different pressure to look good, fashionable, to stay a certain size, to have her hair and makeup nice — so many things that I honestly don’t think about. For me it’s more like, can I still run a mile under 10 minutes and fit into the same pants? Anyway, she’s been talking more lately about this — feeling like she looks old, not feeling pretty. I would never call us old but we are in our mid-40s. And for the record, I find her stunning.

So when she announced she plans to get Botox and fillers, I didn’t know what to say. I know where this is coming from. Two of her best girlfriends in the last year started getting Botox. They would joke about it and were open about it and also talked about how much better they felt. Now she wants to give it a try.

I’m worried my lovely wife will no longer look like herself and is getting swept along by her superficial friends. I love how she looks. She doesn’t need to change. But she’s been so sensitive about her looks. What should I do?

Wanda says:

The concept of beauty is so deeply personal, and it truly is a two-way street. On one hand, beauty is how we feel about ourselves. It’s the emotion when we look in the mirror; it’s a degree of satisfaction and contentment, or disappointment. But beauty is also about what’s received, and what people see when they see us. So it’s important to keep that frame in mind: you’re looking at this in terms of how you view your wife, but she’s more concerned with how she sees herself. Clearly she’s in a place of working through a transition and no matter how lovely you find her, which is adorable by the way, #relationshipgoals, she can’t draw all her self-worth from your opinions. She needs to feel good in her own skin.

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Wow, we do a lot to our skin in the name of beauty too, don’t we? We slather on serums and creams, we wear sun hats, we layer on the tanning oil, we pierce it, tattoo it, paint it, brush it with blush and powder away the shine, and it’s all for that mysterious and elusive end game: beauty. Botox and fillers are just another new dimension in the evolving landscape of the pursuit of beauty. For some, it brings real happiness in that it offers a kind of smoothing rewind, a reversal of time, or at a minimum, just a more polished look. It can also go bad, real bad, and anyone with Google can find plenty of examples of people who have dramatically altered their faces to unrecognizable stages of plumped and puffed proportions.

Let’s assume that’s not your wife’s goal. She’s not trying to turn herself into someone new. But she is unsettled. The best thing you can do is to continue to reaffirm she’s beautiful as is, desirable and interesting and your one and only. You can express support for the unrealistic expectations that women look young when we aren’t. I’m with you: mid-40s isn’t elderly but it’s also, well, mid-40s. And isn’t it reasonable women in their mid-40s look like they are? “Beauty” at that age might not look like beauty at 20, or 30, or 80, but isn’t it all beautiful, when we step back and appreciate this life?

Wayne says:

Thank you, Wanda. As crazy as the world is and as stressed as our brains, bodies and spirits are, we all need reminders to take a breath and look at how lovely our lives, the world, and people around us really are.

But it’s pretty damn hard to relax these days, isn’t it Mr. Letter Writer? You certainly feel that. Heck, you’re freaking out because your wife is freaking out, and it’s not over alien invaders, World War III, or an egg shortage. It’s all over your respective, and differing, takes on health, beauty and aging, topics that are very important, very personal, and very delicate.

You ask what you should do: I’d recommend backing off. You know your wife is sensitive about her looks. You know she’s anxious about aging. You know she’s feeling pressure from her friends — and social media, and television, and magazines, and other women. You know she’s trying really hard. You know that this is not a battle you want to wage because one, if not both, of you is going to feel like a big loser. And you know, deep down, that you would still love your wife even if her looks change a little or a lot. Right? So if researching and even going through with a Botox treatment will make her happy and ease her stress, let it go, her do it, and support her at every step like you always do. It will make you happy again, too.

Still don’t buy in? Well, what happens when you begin losing control of your physical condition? Like when your testosterone starts running on empty in a few days/months/years. You’re suddenly not the same super-positive, super-energetic guy in the gym, in the workplace, and in the bedroom. You wouldn’t consider supplements or treatments? And what if your hair starts falling out, if it hasn’t already? Wouldn’t you want to slow or stop that madness with any kind of help you could get? Now you understand a little better how your wife feels right now. Give her a hug and know she’ll have your back if you were facing similar stress.

[Ask Elaine: My husband said he’s less attracted to me after I had our baby]

[Does sex count as exercise?]

Wayne and Wanda

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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