Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’m in quite a pickle. I have been dating my girlfriend, a female-female relationship, for almost four years now. When we first got together everyone commented how they’d never seen two people so in love and it really felt that way. We both came from very bad previous relationships so I was determined to keep my personal interests and social life alive despite being gaga over my new beau. The pandemic had other plans. We ended up spending practically every moment together, albeit quite happily. My three children love her and she them. She has been a wonderful partner in all the practical ways.
However as most things began returning to normal, others changed drastically. I finally started therapy to work on my anxiety and codependency issues and restarted my gym membership, fully intending to become the best me I could be for myself and my family. The issue was my girlfriend always seemed to have a reason why it was a bad night to go to the gym or visit with a friend or made logical arguments against going out with friends. If I came home later than I said I would, she seemed sad and withdrawn, although she denied it. Eventually I no longer wanted to share where I was going or with who or when I would be home.
I sometimes felt anxious when she was coming home but couldn’t really say why. I told her my therapist said it sounded like I was in a controlling relationship. My girlfriend denied it but often became angry and outright jealous after that. That was about six months ago and things have been a bit of a roller coaster since then.
She recently asked me to help her look into therapy for herself and begged me to give her another chance. The thing is, I’m tired and I just don’t know if I want to do this anymore. She’s been much kinder since and the good times really were amazing but now I wonder if I was really just blind before. When I make plans with friends she acts supportive, but I wonder if it really is just an act. When I put my phone to charge at night, I wonder if she’ll go through it while I’m sleeping like before, even though I know she won’t because we’re good right now. If I stay out late, I wonder, will I come home to the cold shoulder but her saying it’s nothing, she just needs some space? Can I learn to forgive and trust again? How long, how hard are you supposed to try for someone you love?
Wanda says:
Wow, a lot of enormous questions here, the kind we all will face in life when at a crossroads wondering whether or not to continue down a romantic path, or reset and change course. I commend you for the therapy, the soul-searching, and the honest auditing of your circumstances, even when it’s painful and confusing. So many people glide through life on cruise control because not making changes or overlooking challenges is easier than doing the hard work sometimes required to realize there may be a better life for us.
That said, you two have been through a lot, including past heartaches, the challenge of blending two lives together, dating while parenting, surviving a pandemic, and ultimately, finding both answers and questions in therapy. Clearly it hasn’t been all roses. The picture you’ve painted includes a past where she resented your extracurriculars, snooped around in your phone, and perhaps did exhibit controlling behaviors.
But you didn’t leave her then. You stuck by her, and you kept on with your own quest to better understand yourself. As you began this journey, it appears she took note — and was moved and motivated. She is now willing to begin therapy, it sounds like, and has hit a reset herself, trying to be kinder, more trusting, more supportive. It could be an act; it could also be sincere. If you didn’t leave her when she was at her worst, why would you leave her when she is trying to be better? I vote for hanging in there a while longer and giving this love story a shot.
Wayne says:
You ask how long you’re supposed to try to hold on for someone you love to turn a corner or for a relationship to improve, but only you can decide when you’ve truly had enough. Sounds to me like you’re close, and no one would blame you if you decided to move on now. People do it every day. You’ve tried hard; heck, you’ve tried your best. But you can’t be your best and happiest self if someone is bringing you down, and adding anxiety into your life as you’re working so hard to keep it out.
If you do decide to continue this relationship for even one more day, you have to forgive your girlfriend — for her dark phase, for the way she treated you during it, and for everything else. Great — more heavy lifting, right? Not that you aren’t doing enough of that already … But to give her and the relationship a fresh reset, you need to clear the air and not have this indecision and concern circling around in your head and heart.
And then you have to talk with her about where you both want to go. Put it all on the table: past, present and future. Tell her how you feel, what you’re concerned about, and what you need and expect. Ask her where she’s at with the relationship, with her life, and if she’s got the capacity of being your partner and getting to a stronger space. And tell her that you love her and want this to work out, but things have got to get better.
And yes, moving ahead together may involve even more individual work with your therapist. And it should be mandatory that she finds someone to talk to ASAP because she’s got her own work to do. And wait, there’s more: it could also mean eventually finding a relationship counselor to help you two navigate through this fog, and hopefully get back to a good space, and one day move on to an even better one.
Good luck.