Dear Wayne and Wanda,
The other night I was out and had a bit much too drink and ran into my ex, "John." John and I never got super serious but we had a ton of fun together, and great chemistry. We ended up flirting and drinking together, and before I got into the cab, we kissed goodbye -- just a quick kiss. But then he texted and told me I'd looked hot and he missed hanging out. We proceeded to sext until I passed out. I woke up hungover with the phone still in my hand, feeling awful.
The problem is I'm sort of seeing someone, "Greg." Greg and I aren't serious, yet, but I want to be. He's a great guy. We started sleeping together a few months ago. We hang out a lot. I love being around him. We haven't said we're exclusive, but we haven't said we're not. And now I just feel super guilty.
Should I tell Greg that I flirted with, kissed and sexted with John? Or just stay quiet because technically I didn't break any rules? And if Greg and I do officially get together, do I need to tell him about what happened with John?
WANDA SAYS:
You're asking the wrong questions. Forget whether or not you should tell Greg about your night of flirtastic sexting. Instead, ask yourself, why were you throwing yourself at John in the first place?
If you're really happy with Greg -- if you really want to be in a serious relationship with him -- you would be acting like it. And by acting like it, that means focusing on Greg, not spending what sounds like hours flirting with an ex who, by your own admission, was never what you were looking for in the first place.
So what's going on with you? Maybe it's a self-esteem issue and you just love the attention wherever you can get it. Or maybe you're insecure about where you stand with Greg and it made you feel better to get some additional male attention. Or maybe you've been single for a while and aren't really ready to focus on one person.
These are definitely issues that should be sorted out before you plow ahead and pursue permanence with Greg.
WAYNE SAYS:
Since Wanda posed more questions, I'll provide the answers. No. Do not tell Greg about the John incident, now or later. No matter where or how far you go with Greg, he never needs to know this night happened. It won't help him, it won't help you, it won't help the relationship.
Now, did you break any relationship rules with your drunken flirtfest? That's debatable. One thing that's clear: You drifted pretty deeply into the gray area. The not-so-subtle seducing. The kiss. The kiss! The late-night sexting. The morning-after guilt. Not exactly the actions of someone who wants to take a relationship with someone else to the next level.
So, it's time to have a Come to Wanda meeting with yourself and it's time for me to ask questions: Why weren't you drunk texting your kinda-boyfriend Greg that night? If you are really committed to making a relationship work with Greg, stop being a lush, stop flirting and texting with other guys, grow up a little bit and tell Greg you want to be with him. If you can't see yourself doing all four of those things, just keep playing Greg, John and yourself.