There's a real TV drought right now, and it goes beyond the Alaska shows.
For the Alaska programming, we've got no "Alaskan Bush People," "Bering Sea Gold," "Ultimate Survivor Alaska," "Edge of Alaska" or any other show that brings me joy. On the highbrow side, "Leftovers" is weird, leaving a Sunday night HBO-sized hole on my DVR, and I just can't get into "Empire."
In the broader lowbrow world where I'm comfortable, "The Bachelor" franchise is busy filming and there hasn't been a MTV show worth wasting time on for months. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but the only channels I've been watching are Lifetime and the NFL Network.
Besides watching the Barrow Whalers bring home their first victory last week on "Football Town: Barrow, Alaska," I've been so bored. I've been digging "Football Town" because it's not all about surviving the elements, with crazy hyped-up drama. It's about high school sports, a very normal part of American life, but in an astounding location.
Therefore, I've decided to dust off some old pitches to the mysterious makers of reality TV, some of which I've mentioned in the past two years of writing this silly little commenter-hated column.
'Alaska Clerks'
Every year the halls of Alaska courthouses and the tables of the Pioneer Bar are filled with a new class of legal clerks. These ambitious, straight-out-of-law-school young people from across the country flock to the Last Frontier for their first grown-up jobs. Cameras would follow five or six of these ambitious kids as they learn to ski for the first time, go on weekend trips, get drunk and fall in love with each other and Alaska.
Why this would be the best reality show ever: There'd be a new, smart cast every year with a fish-out-of-water sort of vibe, but there'd also be some continuity across seasons as people decide to pursue careers in Alaska. Also, did I mention the Pioneer Bar …
Why this would be the worst show ever: No one who went to law school would ever sign a release to be on TV.
'Finding the Lines'
This show would follow the staff of one of those helicopter skiing and fishing resorts in the Tordrillo Mountains. You get a pun in the title, because you have your fishing lines and skiing lines. You get beautiful scenery, intense jobs and rich people.
Why this would be the best reality show ever: There would be high stakes, good helicopter shots and you'd get to see people catching monster fish and crushing the pow all in one show. You'd also get an upstairs/downstairs vibe with the staff and the clients to ensure drama.
Why this would be the worst show ever: There was actually a show called "Guiding Alaska" that followed the workers of a fishing lodge in Bristol Bay. It never showed up on my TV radar, so therefore it must not have been that good.
'Battle of the Alaska Reality TV Stars'
Basically, this would be like "Ultimate Survivor Alaska," which wasn't renewed after last season, but there would be a few big differences. First, I would remove the so-called fourth wall and show the production assistants and safety people talking to the cast when they are about to be in danger. Second, I'd film them camping and hanging out during non-competition hours. Finally and most importantly, I would recruit cast members from all the Alaska reality TV shows.
Why this would be the best reality show ever: Did you just read that description? Sounds awesome. Sign me up. Imagine Bear Brown of "Alaskan Bush People" in a race against Atz Kilcher of "Alaska: The Last Frontier." Or the late-night strategy conversations between Sue from "Life Below Zero" and Zeke from "Bering Sea Gold." And Neil from "Edge of Alaska" trying to out-politic Dallas Seavey from "Ultimate Survivor Alaska."
Why this would be the worst show ever: Impossible. This show would be amazing and win all the Emmys.
Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV. You can reach her at realitycheck@alaskadispatch.com or on Twitter @ETFBacher.