Anchorage has the Running of the Reindeer. Big deal.
"Juneau's annual Running of the Bears continues to attract contestants from all over the globe," reports the most recent edition of Real Alaskans Magazine, which goes on sale today.
"Local bears caught raiding garbage cans are collected a few weeks before the spring event and fed a minimal diet, preparing them for the big day.
"Runners are covered with fish oil (and) given a 15-second head start. After that, it's every runner for themselves as seven brown bears are released to give chase."
The article features a photo of brown bears interspersed with bibbed runners.
Other stories describe the 212 billion-volt government facility responsible for generating the northern lights, Juneau's No-See-Um Museum and the State Landscape Manager for the Department of Moss.
Actually, none of these reports are true.
Real Alaskans is the latest satiric manifestation from Jeff Brown, perhaps best-known for impossibly goofy Alaskan postcards assembled into the 2003 book, "On the Road to Tok" with collaborators Tom Sadowski and Jimmie Froehlich.
Brown, originally from Los Angeles, came to Alaska with the Coast Guard in 1975. His day job is running Juneau public radio stations KTOO and KRNN. For 20 years or so, he helped produce a parody newspaper, The Juneau What. When computer technology evolved he upgraded to a color magazine format.
The original Real Alaskans -- which included reports on such things as the team responsible for cleaning the grime off of Alaska glaciers in advance of tourist season -- came out on April 1, 2010. It did well enough that Brown not only produced this second edition but is making plans for a third one next year.
Part of the success came from Alaskans sending the magazine to friends in the Lower 48, Brown said. But he also sells paid ads in which the sponsors often join in the spirit of the publication.
An ad for Douglas Island Pub promotes the "fish-head pizza," with a photo that may have you swearing off Italian food for a while. A Juneau hardware store plugs the "iHammer;" "Never miss another nail again!"
"We've discovered that these are advertisements that people really read," Brown said.
Other ads are bogus, like the movie theater playing "The Sound of Oosik" and the Alaska Railroad's 125-glacier tour. The issue included a spoof of an Anchorage eatery called "Turnagain Arm Pit Barbecue" before Brown learned that there really is a Turnagain Arm Pit BBQ just south of town on the Seward Highway.
The models in the photos are mostly friends, Brown said. "But sometimes in my travels I stumble upon people who want to be part of the joke and are willing to pose."
An example in the current issue are the two young women in ballerina tutus and wading boots dancing "Swan Lake" in a lake.
Alaska celebrities, including musher Libby Riddles and violinist Paul Rosenthal, also make appearances.
So far, Real Alaskans is found in stores scattered around the 49th state. It can also be ordered by email at jbrown@alaska.net. The price is $10.
National distribution would involve hassles Brown doesn't want to think about right now. But he sometimes entertains the idea.
"It would be really fun to see where this thing went," he said.
Reach Mike Dunham at mdunham@adn.com or 257-4332.
'Real Alaskans'
Real Alaskans Magazine is found in several stores in Southeast Alaska. Outlets for the rest of the state include:
• Anchorage: AAA Billiards Sales & Service, Barnes & Noble, Metro Music, Shuzy Q
• Fairbanks: Gulliver's, Twigs Alaskan Gifts (at the Fairbanks airport)
• Homer: Homer Bookstore
By MIKE DUNHAM
mdunham@adn.com