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Incompetent homesteaders, rejoice – the Raneys are back for another season of ‘Homestead Rescue’

  • Author: Emily Fehrenbacher
    | Reality Check
  • Updated: December 2, 2017
  • Published June 21, 2017

Alaska reality star Marty Raney is back for another season of “Homestead Rescue” on Discovery. (Screen capture via Discovery.com)

A new season of "Homestead Rescue" has premiered. Finally, something new to study the minutia of for 42 minutes of cable television.

If you forgot about this little show, it features the Raney family of Alaska, traveling around the country and telling homesteaders how incompetent they are. Then each Raney shows off their unique aptitude for wilderness living while they help the homesteaders. Misty (dreamy daughter who looks like she's straight out of a Pendleton catalog) builds a garden, chicken coop or greenhouse. Matt (son with a very long beard) teaches them how to hunt/shoot things, and Marty (dad with his shirt unbuttoned uncomfortably low) helps them construct whatever else is necessary for their "survival."

In the season two premiere, the Raneys are near the Little Colorado River in the middle of the Arizona desert. This location led to the best moment I've seen on this show: when Marty saw a tiny snake and fell over backward trying to get away from it. It was like when Bill Pullman first sees a ghost in the 1995 children's film "Casper." Hilarious.

The main plotline revolves around the family's three dogs disappearing. They only found one of the dog's heads on the property, which is legitimately horrifying. Since they frequently hear wolves howling, they assume it was eaten by wolves.

However, after Matt and Marty drive around looking for men riding horses with local knowledge (obvi, what you would do), they realize that the dog they found the remains of was probably killed by a mountain lion. This old-timer on a horse also says that the other two dogs "got the taste for blood" (a line that is said about 50 more times after this interaction) and likely joined a pack of feral dogs that roams the desert.

Meanwhile, Misty spends her time making Donna (the homesteading wife) cry because she doesn't want to live in the middle of nowhere after her dogs have disappeared. But Donna feels that it's her husband's dream, so she is making the sacrifice. Misty says that she understands because she has to spend half the year in Hawaii because of her husband's dreams. This is probably the worst thing you could say to try to console someone and seem relatable. It's like telling someone who is worried about money that you are also worried about money, because you just bought a yacht.

Finally, Marty spends his time drinking their poisoned water and making way too many poop jokes after drinking said water. He then helps them build a filtration system so their water doesn't give them more kidney stones. Apparently, having too much calcium in your water gives you kidney stones; don't say TV can't teach you things.

A new season of "Alaskan Bush People" starts Wednesday, June 21. This season is potentially the last, and rumors are swirling that Ami (the mother Brown) has cancer. According to the episode summary, "The displaced Browns struggle through a devastating transition while Ami undergoes testing due to recent health concerns."

Noah is in charge of taking care of Browntown and footage from the season preview shows Matt bleeding and being transported in an ambulance. Like every other season, I'm sure there will be plenty of questionable moments to break down, and I will be watching so you don't have to.

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