Business/Economy

I want to support my co-worker, but she wants me to back claims I never witnessed

Q: My co-worker invited me to her house for dinner last night and let me know she fears she's going to be fired. This isn't the first time she's said something like this; she and my supervisor don't get along. She's often pulled me aside in the bathroom or breakroom and told me that my supervisor's rough on her. I've always listened; there's tension between the two of them and I wish there wasn't. Things have recently gotten worse.

So when my co-worker asked me for help, I said, "Sure, what can I do?" She then handed me two memos she'd written and asked me to witness I'd overheard certain conversations our supervisor had with her. In each, she characterized our supervisor as making comments that were both mean and petty.

One, I hadn't heard at all. The other hadn't happened in the way my co-worker wrote it. When I read them, I said, "I can't sign these, I didn't hear any of this." She started to cry and insisted, "You were standing right there for that one," and, "I told you immediately afterwards about the other."

She had told me and I'd listened, but I hadn't agreed with her. I know she believes our supervisor is unfair, but she doesn't seem to get that she wastes a lot of time in the office and that's what frustrates our supervisor. I went home feeling sick and without agreeing to sign either memo. I know the simple answer is "don't sign them," but she's my friend and I really want to help her. At same time, I've never seen our supervisor say the kinds of things my co-worker says she's said.

A: Can you help your co-worker understand her part of the problem before it's too late? When our friends have conflicts with others, we often listen with sympathy and support. Sometimes, that's not all that's needed and can in fact make the situation worse, particularly if our empathetic listening reinforces our friend's one-sided belief.

Employees about to be fired often lay blame on their supervisors and sometimes correctly so. While that may shift part of the blame, it never improves the situation if the underlying problem is your co-worker's work performance and habits. You note that your friend owns part of the problem between her and your supervisor. If so and she makes immediate changes, she may be able to fix things. If you don't help her see this, who will?

Q: My best friend and co-worker, Laura, has lupus and as a result misses a lot of work. She's told me and our supervisor but no one else, and that's the way she wants it. Despite the fact that it's none of their business, several women at work think it's their right to ask Laura questions and to ask others questions to search out what they know. They appear willing to dig until their curiosity is satisfied.

ADVERTISEMENT

While my supervisor has promised he'll keep Laura's information private, he says that "people get curious about others they care about" and if Laura "could just fill them in, they'll stop probing." Laura absolutely doesn't want to have everyone talking about her. How can I protect her?

A: Your employer and supervisor needs to protect Laura. The same laws that protect employees from unfair harassment based on sex and race also protect employees from harassment based on disability, including the harassment involved in incessant questioning. When supervisors allow employees to create a hostile work environment for disabled employees, they risk legal problems.

Laura doesn't need to tell anyone other than those who have a legitimate "need to know" about her disability. Her supervisor, however, needs to tell the curious ladies to cease and desist.

Lynne Curry | Alaska Workplace

Lynne Curry writes a weekly column on workplace issues. She is author of “Navigating Conflict,” “Managing for Accountability,” “Beating the Workplace Bully" and “Solutions,” and workplacecoachblog.com. Submit questions at workplacecoachblog.com/ask-a-coach/ or follow her on workplacecoachblog.com, lynnecurryauthor.com or @lynnecurry10 on X/Twitter.

ADVERTISEMENT