Q: I don’t know what triggered “Ethan’s” hatred for me, whether it was because I blew him off when he made a pass at me or I threatened him or he just didn’t like me. When I first learned he was spreading nasty rumors about me, I thought if I ignored the stories, I wouldn’t feed the flames and things would die down. I soon realized that because I didn’t counter the stories, others believed there must a core of truth to them.
When I finally tried to counter the stories, it felt like rolling a boulder uphill. Apparently if you throw enough mud at a person, some sticks. I finally had enough, resigned and found a new job.
I thought that was end of it, but Ethan has continued to target me. He made friends with people in my new company. He has apparently found everyone I know on LinkedIn. I don’t know what to do.
A: American boxer Joe Louis once said, “He can run but he can’t hide.” When a character assassin trashes your reputation and persists, you eventually have to get in the ring.
To do this well, you need to learn to avoid the traps they set, how they operate and what you can do to fight back and win.
You can’t ignore an assassin
If you become an assassin’s target, you may feel emotionally overwhelmed. No one likes to think, hear or believe negative stories about him or herself. You may hope that by ignoring the stories, they’ll grow stale or fade away. Unfortunately, reputation slander takes on a life of its own, and the longer you wait, the more the mud slung hardens into concrete.
How character assassins operate
Character assassins spread stories to everyone they can reach. They can pull up your LinkedIn account and, unless you hide your connections, systematically seek each one out and subtly but ruthlessly slander you with defamatory half-truths until no one knows whether to believe what they formerly thought about you. Like other assassins, character assassins succeed in part because they lack remorse, and thus don’t telegraph their deceit to others.
Take heart when a friend reaches out with a story or rumor
If you’re an assassin’s target, you may want to slink away and hide in a closet when others relay the disparaging stories they’ve heard. Instead, take heart. These individuals value you enough to let you know what you’re dealing with and to check out your side rather than accepting the stories wholesale. You can also trace who they’ve heard the rumors from. Don’t shut your ears; use these opportunities.
Trace the tales
If you want to cut off a snake’s head, you have to know who the snake is and where he lives. If your connections forward you defaming texts or posts, trace the phone numbers through a reverse lookup directory or contact the internet service provider, who may help you if you can prove abuse. Follow each tale until you find the head.
Blow them out of the water
In my book, “Beating the Workplace Bully,” I tell the story of a woman targeted by a character assassin. Although she initially dreaded the upcoming speech she’d been scheduled to give at an industry function, she decided to lance the many brushfires her assassin had started with a lightning bolt. Standing at the podium in front of many who now turned a cold shoulder toward her when they passed by her at business functions, she outlined how she’d grown her career. She then detailed the defamation of her character and professionalism during recent months. As the attendees listened, she concluded with, “This is the greatest test of courage I’ve ever faced. To stand before you and let you know I almost gave up. But I am here. I stand before you and I stand on my record.” She received a standing ovation.
Have you been targeted? You can win.