Business/Economy

Are you a bully magnet? Why some get targeted and others don’t.

Question:

I’m convinced I wear a sign on my forehead that reads “bully me.” I quit my first job because of a boss who was a bully. I wasn’t the only employee who thought he bullied workers; everyone did. Before I quit, two other employees did, without notice, and I know others quit after me. I was stupid enough to give two weeks’ notice and it was the worst two weeks of my life. Still, I thought when I left, I’d put it all behind me.

Then my next job became intolerable because of a coworker bully. It took me a long time to come to terms with what was happening, because I didn’t want to think it was happening again. But, while I’d started that job with high hopes, I finally had to admit to being bullied and since I couldn’t handle it, I quit.

I took three months off and just started a job two weeks ago. I’m afraid it’s happening again. What am I doing that leads others to think it’s OK to bully me?

Answer:

Here are five possibilities:

Occasionally, it’s bad luck

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Given the prevalence of workplace bullying, the first job you landed may have placed you squarely in a bully boss’s crosshairs. A bully coworker may also target you because you have something the bully wants, such as a job that represents a promotional opportunity for the bully.

You signal you’re an easy target

You may, however, be magnetizing bullies.

Bullies operate with risk/benefit radar, zeroing in on individuals they consider easy prey. Do you turn yourself inside out to avoid conflict or making someone else mad? Do others know you won’t confront them if they tread on you? Bullies eat nice people alive.

Fix this by learning to stand up for yourself. If someone insults you, quickly respond “Don’t talk to me like that” or simply exit the bully’s presence.

Bullies perceive avoidance as weakness

You may be letting self-doubt stop you from taking action.

Bullies test to see if you’ll allow bad treatment; that’s a test you want to fail. If you allow bad treatment, bullies often escalate their abuse and the situation can spiral out of control. The first time a bully yells at you, say “I don’t let people yell at me” and exit his presence. If the bully isn’t done screaming, too bad, you’re already gone.

You stuck it out, trapping yourself

If you ignore warning signs, you can trap yourself. In your current job, do you work with a coworker or supervisor who insults others or treats others poorly because they can get away with it? In your first job, did you or other employees “walk on eggshells” not to trigger your boss’s wrath? In the job with a problem coworker, did he cut you down, but then claim “just kidding”?

If you overlook poor or deteriorating treatment, the situation can become so nasty that it’s difficult to handle professionally. Those who ignore red-flag behaviors send the wrong message to bullies.

You don’t connect with your supervisor or coworkers

Bullies rarely attack those with a power base or allies, fearing that the allies may rally support for the target and against the bully. Coworkers who like you both help you survive a bully’s attacks and serve as a preventative defense. Don’t become the caribou calf a wolf might steer away from the herd. If you isolate yourself, a bully can spread rumors about you and even convince others that you’re a problem. Above all, cultivate a strong relationship with your supervisor, so a coworker bully won’t want to tackle you.

Finally, you ask the right question: “What part of this problem do I own?” If you realize your behaviors magnetize bullies or trap you in situations that others wouldn’t put up with, take action. You deserve better.

Lynne Curry | Alaska Workplace

Lynne Curry writes a weekly column on workplace issues. She is author of “Navigating Conflict,” “Managing for Accountability,” “Beating the Workplace Bully" and “Solutions,” and workplacecoachblog.com. Submit questions at workplacecoachblog.com/ask-a-coach/ or follow her on workplacecoachblog.com, lynnecurryauthor.com or @lynnecurry10 on X/Twitter.

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