The love of my life has been called back to the lord. So suddenly was he taken from us. Why? Why must someone so young and so full of life be ripped from this world when he still had so much life to live? Why did he have to go now? Why couldn't he see the birth of his second child? Why did he have to go now? Why? Why?
I desperately tried to revive him. For over an hour I battled with the lord to keep my love here. But I lost. No matter how much I prayed. No matter how much I tried I couldn't keep him here with me.
Forgive me, my love. I tried and I tried, refusing to let you go. I didn't want to stop, maybe if I just kept breathing for you and pumping you'd come back to me.
So many what if's. What if I'd done this? What if I'd done that? Maybe one more breath would have kept you here with me. What if this, what if that. I know I'll drive myself insane if I keep looking back at all the what if's. I have to trust in the lord that it was your time and that I did everything that could be done.
I close my eyes and still see you lying there. Nothing I could do could keep you with me. Forgive me my love. I tried. I tried. I am so sorry, so very sorry I couldn't keep you here with me. It was out of my hands. It was time for you to go, I know that I can't control that.
I beg for sleep so I can wake up and find it was all a bad dream. You aren't really gone. I will again feel your arms around me. Your lips on my lips. Your arms so strong and sure carrying our daughter with ever loving care. Your laugh. Your smile. Your touch. Your frustrations. Your anger. Your love.
It's all so surreal. Surely you can't really be gone. I strain to hear your voice again, to hear you coming to tell me everything will be ok. Come back my love, even though I know you're gone. Please don't leave us. We need you. Your CC needs you. Your unborn child needs to know it's daddy.
Enough begging for things that can't happen. Instead I must stay strong.
Read the rest of Ann's post at her blog, Anonymous Bloggers