It turns out that 700 words could not capture all my feelings about "Slednecks" so I am back for more. This week we got a string of three new 30-minute episodes (thus creating an hour-and-30-minute program) in which MTV delivered us yet another cultural experience.
I want to explore some of the facets of a couple of our slednecks -- first, Zeke Turecki. Zeke appears to be your average partying Alaska bro. His Twitter profile proclaims: "I'm down with anything that's fast enough to do something stupid with… Ride or Die." However, apparently he rides a little too fast, since he recently got out of jail for multiple traffic violations. On the show, he claims he had "69 speeding tickets."
The thing about Zeke is he has a magical power: He gets hammered and completely forgets how to put together a sentence.
In episode one, this is how he asked a girl on a date while drunk: "I don't really know what's going down. Obviously. Let's per se, let's just, let's be real for a second. Is… We could do something… completely real. I'm actually sort of interested. OK. Per se. I guess I would like to take you on a date. Complete strictly, dinner date."
After this stunning proposition, they end up on their first date. Not on a "complete strictly, dinner date," but at Platinum Jaxx, where Zeke performs in a mostly naked dude dancing contest.
Shockingly, that relationship didn't materialize and in the most recent episode, he is speaking to the same girl (as they eat cherries from a jar of moonshine), but this time they discuss his new lady friend/roommate, Amber.
When Platinum Jaxx date girl asks if he's really into Amber, he says, "I'm not into the whole lovey-dovey emotion stuff. It's not exactly my necessary forte. Per se, in life, so I don't really pick up on those things, I just know the basic lines in life as a dude in a somewhat weird, kind of, something."
I have four tips for Zeke the Wordsmith. One, "per se" means "by or in itself or themselves." Two, you should devote your Twitter to explaining "the basic lines in life as a dude." Three and four -- drive the speed limit, and dinner dates don't usually involve getting naked on a stage in public.
This week we were introduced to the second greatest character in "Slednecks," Carl the Reindeer (second behind Leonard, the airboat store owner). Trevor, the helmet-wearing, green apple car freshener dude, comes home to find a reindeer in his living room. So, of course his reaction is, "Oh my God, that's so tight." What's not to love about Trevor?
He then says, "Let's go through the window. He can't get us through the window." Not only is Trevor a "fungineer," he's also a scientist. Everyone knows that reindeer in your home can't get you if you enter through a window versus a door.
We then find out that Zeke the Wordsmith has left the reindeer for Trevor, thanks to a Post-It note that says "Enjoy! – Zeke." Obviously, Zeke probably doesn't really have access to reindeer, per se, but whatever. For the remainder of the episode, Trevor travels around Wasilla with Carl, treating him to ice cream and muffins, taking him to the grocery store and posing in pictures for tourists. When Carl has to leave to go back to the reindeer farm, I shockingly was a little sad for Trevor.
The episode ended with an explosive girl fight over Kelly, Trevor's human best friend. More on that next week, as we continue to examine the lives of the Slednecks, per se.
Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org (subject line: Reality Check).