Alaska News

Wayne and Wanda: A long pause on the marriage discussion

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

Talking about lovey dovey stuff generally and more serious relationship stuff (i.e. The Future) makes my boyfriend really uncomfortable. So we don't talk about that much. We've been dating about a couple years and it's never bothered me because he's really sweet and committed, and he expresses it by his actions all the time.

One day he asked me about getting married someday. I said I thought was a great idea (He knows I want that in my future. I'm 35 btw). He said he was going to surprise me with a ring "at some point."

That was almost five months ago. So, how long before I need to ask him what's up? I don't think it's that he's too strapped to buy a ring because he's made some big, non-essential purchases since then.

I don't care about expensive rings, anyways. I'd just hate it if he was leading me on because marriage isn't something he really wants. But I don't want to seem overly pressuring about it either and scare him off by bringing it up too soon. Ugh. Help.

-- In Knots Over a Ring

Wanda says:

This would be a far different matter if you were talking marriage and dropping L-word bombs a few weeks in. But you've been with the dude two whole years. After that length of time, it isn't "overly pressuring" to discuss your future goals and determine whether you're on the same path or opposite tracks. In fact, not talking about it is slightly crazy and long overdue.

ADVERTISEMENT

You can't sit by thumb-twiddling, awaiting P-Day based on some throwaway thought he shared about ring shopping. A passing comment about surprising you with a ring does not a promise for future matrimonial proposals make. Men make all kinds of crazy, offhand remarks in the glow of sentimentality and intimacy without any intent of follow-through.

I get that you're scared to have a boat-rocking talk. But sometimes you have to rock the boat if you have any hope of ever rocking a cradle. Men will coast for years in the limbo of unchallenging comfort. And not to crank the volume on the tick-tock tick-tock you're surely hearing, but 35? You're entering the high-risk pregnant zone. So if you do have babies on the brain, you need to know sooner than later if Mr. Man is going to put a ring on it.

And how's this for flipping the scenario: If he's leading you on by not telling you what he wants for the future, you're doing the exact same thing by keeping your mouth shut. For all he knows, you don't believe in marriage and want the unencumbered freedom of a childless life. Don't delay further. It's time to have The Talk.

Wayne says:

Surprise -- still no ring!

Sorry. Too easy. But Wanda's right -- give a commitment-phobic man-child a free pass and he'll ride that horse until it keels over from exhaustion, and then he'll kick off his cowboy boots and start running until he keels over from exhaustion, and then he'll start crawling. … These guys are the bosses of buying time, stringing partners along until limits are reached, and offering perfectly timed olive branches (promises of trying harder, spending more time together, buying a ring, blah blah) to keep you in the game.

But you're a grown-up, literally (mid-30s) and figuratively (you know what you want out of life). So act like one and ask your flaky BF what the heck is up with that damn ring he promised you. And really, this isn't about a ring, how big or little the diamond is, or if he went to Jared. This is about keeping a promise that means everything to you.

So, is he a man of his word or a scared little boy? This might be the kick in the pants he needs to realize that if he wants you in his life, he's going to have to get serious ASAP. And yep, you might just run him off by getting all serious about communication and your future together. But do you really want a long-term partnership with someone who won't/can't even talk about your relationship anyway?

Oh, and Wanda, you also do not get a free pass. Even the best of us sometimes think, say and do crazy things when we're in deep in love because our brains just aren't working properly at the time. Making an occasional ridiculous statement in the "glow of sentimentality and intimacy" or in any other kind of glow (moonlight, candlelight, disco lights), for that matter, isn't a quality exclusive to men. We might be the worst at doing it, but we definitely aren't the only ones.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

ADVERTISEMENT