Sex in 2014 is so complicated, right? Heck, when isn't sex complicated, really? At least that's what our readers have been wondering lately.
Dear Wayne and Wanda,
So my boyfriend and I have been together a year and all is good. Except the sex started to get old. So one night I suggested we use my vibrator to mix things up. He seemed surprised I had one (doesn't every girl?) and nervous at first but he quickly got into it. The problem is now that's all he wants to do and we haven't had sex since without a toy involved. I miss just being with my guy without ... um ... assistance? I don't know how to say that. Help?
Toys aren't just for kids and they can be a ton of fun, but I hear you, girl. Men these days are so exposed to the sweeping gamut of sexual opportunity that suggesting old-fashioned vanilla missionary seems downright quaint.
That said, sex in a relationship is not about creating a blockbuster porn shoot. It's about love. OK, yes, it's also about satisfaction and all that, but the main goal is you feel connected. Occasionally, supporting props can complement that. But let your guy know that he's all you need to make this relationship sizzle.
Variety is the spice of life, and it sounds like your boyfriend has just discovered a spicy new dry rub combination that he wants to sprinkle on everything hot: ribs, breasts, even rump roast! It's time to reintroduce him to why he started cooking with you in the first place. Tell him the batteries are dead and it's time to get back to kitchen basics.
Also, an angle to think about in regards to your BF's sudden toy obsession: It sounds like he isn't exactly Don Juan in the bedroom, and toys can take a lot of attention/pressure off a shy/nervous/inexperienced/insecure partner. Considering this, you may have to build up his confidence as much as his sense of adventure in your sex life.
Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I've started seeing a guy lately and he is amazing. He has a great job, he is gorgeous and we have a ton of fun. The problem is, anytime we have sex, he needs to watch porn first. The first time I thought this was sexy. But then I realized it was every time. I feel gross about it. I told him it makes me feel like I'm not good enough to turn him on. He says it's not like that and without me he wouldn't be satisfied, just turned on, but still, every time we do it, he cues up the Internet porn to get in the mood. What can I do?
Congrats. You met a great guy! Unfortunately, he's already in a relationship: with porn stars. Let him know you are adventurous and open-minded (assuming you are), but you need a guy who can be turned on pleased, and satisfied by -- shocker -- just you.
Speaking of Don Juan, have you seen "Don Jon"? It's the story of a modern-day Lothario who loves having sex almost as much as he loves watching porn. Then, as Hollywood fate would have it, he is suddenly faced with love, intimacy and commitment with real women while trying to secretly maintain his porn obsession. Hijinks ensue! Not really -- his struggles are actually really sad, dark, awkward and disappointing. The moral of the story? Porn is awesome and all, but once it becomes more important than real sex, it's time to quit cold turkey or call a shrink!