Culture

Wayne and Wanda: When wedding proposals prove problematic

When and whether to wed? From Queen Elizabeth to Brad and Angelina, folks have pondered this question. And deciding to propose can prove problematic and puzzling. This week, Wayne and Wanda attempt to advise some wedlock-wayward readers.

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I've been with my girlfriend for five years. Recently, I finally got a nice ring like she deserves and have been planning to propose. A couple days later, we were out with friends, and my girlfriend was talking about how she doesn't need to be married to be happy, and how she resents it when people ask us if we ever will get married. Now I'm second-guessing myself and thinking maybe I shouldn't propose, that maybe she doesn't want to be married at all. What do you think?

Wanda says:

Fielding extremely personal, inappropriate questions like, "Are you guys ever going to get married?" can be incredibly exhausting and irritating, and I'm guessing after five years of dating, your girlfriend has responded to this inquiry more than once.

It's hard to not be defensive in the face of such probing. It's very likely that statements such as "I don't need to be married to be happy" are less about her views on marriage and more about her trying to shut down your (annoying) critics. In essence and in all probability, she's explaining to them that you guys are happy with or without marriage -- not that you're happy because you aren't married.

Pop the question as planned. There's always the risk she says no, that's true. Then again, there's the grand reward of her saying yes.

Wayne says:

What do you expect -- you've made her wait five years! She probably has come to terms with the fact that you're never going to propose to her. Or she's using the old reverse psychology routine. Or a Jedi mind trick. Well, most likely it's what Wise Wanda wonders -- she's just tired of hearings questions about why you haven't popped the question.

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Either way, five years of being with her has brought you here: You're ready to let her know that you want to be with her forever. You've got to go all the way now. So drop to a knee and pop that question. And if she doesn't want to get married but still wants to be with you, return the ring and use the money for an awesome non-wedding trip somewhere nice where you can snicker at all the couples who spent half of their life savings on their weddings.

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

My fiance and I got engaged a year and a half ago. Since then, nothing else has happened. He won't commit to a wedding date and the few times I have tried to set up plans for us to tour venues or try cake samples, he backed out.

I mentioned recently perhaps booking a venue this August, and he balked and said he thought the ceremony would be "at least a couple years" away. What!? It's starting to feel like this wedding will never happen. What should I do?

Wanda says:

You should sit down, and tell him how excited you were the day he proposed and how overjoyed you are to become his wife. And then you should ask what timeframe he envisions for the wedding day.

If he doesn't have an answer, or if it isn't in line with your own, explain to him your timeframe, which I'm assuming is in a year or so, if that. Tell him very clearly that if this isn't something he's on board with, you need to end the relationship to find someone whose timeline is more in sync with your plans and goals.

Ultimatums can feel subversive and unfair, but they are sometimes necessary. My guess: Without this conversation, there will be no wedding anytime soon -- if at all.

Wayne says:

This guy must be one heck of an athlete, because he's an all-star at icing the puck, dribbling down the clock and playing prevent defense. (Those are hockey, basketball and football references if you're keeping score, Wanda.)

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he loves you, is faithful and truly wants to marry you. With that being the case, he knows that once he's married, life as he has always known it is over. Change is scary for most of us; this kind of change is downright run-for-the-hills frightening, no matter how much we love our partners.

And while we can all get cold feet at the thought of life-changing change, your fiance seemingly has frozen toes. Time to call him back to the bench and remind him that he's signed up to be a team player and that this engagement isn't going into extra innings.

Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.

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