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Alaska Dispatch's recommendations for University of Alaska code of conduct

  • Author: Craig Medred
  • Updated: September 27, 2016
  • Published April 5, 2012

Dermot Cole got the scoop on a memo that was sent out to university employees, detailing a new proposed "code of conduct" for all University of Alaska employees. The memo comes from University of Alaska President Pat Gamble, a former Alaska Railroad chief and U.S. Air Force general. He took the job of president in June 2010.

Gamble apparently sees a big problem with university employees engaging in unauthorized on-the-job reading, sleeping, horseplay, insubordination, and playing games, among others.

You can find the full list on Cole's blog here.

As a true educator and leader is wont to do, Gamble's words inspired some Alaska Dispatch staff to come up with additions to the code of conduct list. Gamble is accepting comments on the new code through May 1, and perhaps he'll take some of our additions into account.

Like the university, we contain multitudes. We have disparate interests, values and hair color. But we're with the president on these codes, particularly the ban on playing games. All have college degrees, and one thing we all agreed on was how cringe-inducing it was to spot our professors in the lounge playing a game of Twister.

Proposed additions to the code of conduct:

• Cafeteria tray sledding: BANNED.

• Making light of any decision or grain storage metaphor made by the Chancellor or Board of Regents.

• No shoe polish placed on the eyepieces of any microscopes used by students or research staff.

• Office hours may not be held anywhere but in the office.

• Selecting course materials on the basis of their low cost, i.e. discount, old or no-frills editions, will not be tolerated. When in doubt, choose the most expensive book or other material.

• Banning improper use of any of the following terms: symbolism, structuralism, post structuralism, phenomenology, and post-phenomenology.

• No rubbing of chins pretending to be in deep thought.

• No smirking when reading Chaucer's "Wife of Bath" either in new or Middle English.

And finally: Since all UA employees are expected to follow common sense and think for themselves, any failure to promptly (and publicly) challenge exhibitions of idiocy by UA administrators should be grounds for immediate dismissal.

Proposed definitional changes and further miscellaneous decrees:

"Horseplay" includes creating new employee bargaining units.

Tuesdays are now "Bring your own dry erase markers" day.

Work/Study jobs have been reclassified as Work jobs.

Because no fools stay in school, April 1 will be known as April Smart's Day from now on.