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Her best friend married a jerk -- now what?

  • Author: Wayne
    , Wanda
  • Updated: September 29, 2016
  • Published December 15, 2011

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

This year, my best friend married a man no one likes. He's a stoner with zero ambition, and in the two years I've known him he's had five different jobs.

He sulks like a child whenever her friends come over to visit and is rude to all of us. He once had the audacity to remark on the size of one friend's thighs (when he is no supermodel himself). None of us can understand what she sees in him.

I understand that there's not much I can do about it because we're all adults who make our own choices. I bit my lip at her wedding (yes, I was the maid of honor) and tried to be happy for her even though I felt like she was making the biggest mistake of her life.

She doesn't seem unhappy with him, but she doesn't seem happy either. It just breaks my heart because my friend is gorgeous, funny, smart and full of life, and I feel like she's wasting all of it on a jerk and a slacker. I hate not being able to talk to her about this because she'll know I hate her husband. (I've been told I have no poker face.)

I wish she would wake up or that I could get over it, but those things aren't happening. Sometimes it makes me feel awful enough to lose sleep over it. How do I get past this? -- Love Her, Hate Him

Wayne says,

Don't you just hate it when you're BFF's BF is a DB?

I'm not going to sugarcoat the situation, and it sounds like you already see this one clearly anyway -- it's currently a no-win situation.

Hang out with them, you're too annoyed to enjoy the time with her. Wait to hang out with her alone, you probably only get to see her three times a year or so. Cut her out entirely and you lose your bestie. Boo.

You can possibly make things easier moving forward. Accept the fact that your friend loves this loser and he's a permanent fixture. Stop questioning her decisions and fantasizing about her dumping him. I know it's tough, but if you can truly turn the page, you'll take a big step for your friendship and you might even get this clown to dial down his idiot routine a bit. Heck, pull this off and suddenly rising above office stress, spam email and road rage will be a walk in the park.

You've already invested many years and one bridesmaid dress in this relationship -- you might as well give your best effort to nurture it. And if the guy continues being unbearable, you can eventually walk away with a clear conscience.

Wanda says,

It would be great if accepting the fact that your friend loves this loser was easy. But that's exactly what you're saying -- you tried to move past it and can't.

I'm so sorry. It's hard to watch the people we love settling for less than they deserve. Might it help to consider that perhaps your friend is happy, that perhaps she's getting all kinds of love from this man but you just can't see it? You never know what goes on inside a relationship, so fretting about how bad it might be is a waste of energy.

Until things change (which they inevitably will -- whether for the better or worse remains to be seen), I think the best thing is to be there for her, away from him. If this guy upsets you that much, don't visit their home. Make the effort to invite her over to your place, or make plans to go out with just the girls. If he's a stoner with zero ambition, it doesn't sound as though he will be eager to tag along anyway.

Should your friend arrive at a tough place in her marriage, try to be there for her without bashing him. You can listen and be empathetic, but it's never a good idea to let on how much you loathe your bestie's mate because if and when they work it out, he will still be around and you will look like the jerk.

Instead, invest your energy on being a good friend to her and staying out of his way. Maybe eventually he will grow up, or you will learn to see the side in him your friend clearly sees.

• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at