Guys. We've been through three seasons of "Alaskan Bush People" together, can you even believe it?
We've seen the Browns of Browntown through so many important moments: falling in love; buying, rehabbing and sinking boats; and getting a dog. We've rolled our eyes over the many absurdly exaggerated statements of the deep-voiced narrator. We've been watching this show long enough that sweet little Merry Christmas Catherine Raindrop is wearing lipstick, Billy Brown's strange anti-goatee (he's bald on his chin, with two long side beards) is now basically down to his belly button, and the Brown man-children have worn so many sleeveless shirts in cold weather it's impossible to count.
If you'll recall, the Browns have started a hauling business on an old, rickety boat that they spent time rehabbing. And in the last episode of season three, "Never Give Up" (which aired at the end of July), they have their first real job. On this first trip they have the following things to haul: a few small goats, some wrestling mats and a desk made of an old, rusty car.
The old, rusty car desk proved to be the most challenging since the "cotton-pickin' drawers" (Billy's words, not mine) wouldn't stay closed as they tried to carry the desk down the dock and onto the haul boat. I'm no hauling expert, but I know that when moving drawer-filled furniture you typically just tape them shut.
I thought the highlight of the finale was obviously the goats, which the boys carried or walked on leashes -- #babygoatsareadorable, #moregoatsonTV -- but the actual highlight was that Matt, the eccentric, eldest Brown, scratched his eye. Matt was wearing some kind of tooth as a necklace, and said tooth fashion jewelry flew up and hit him in the eye as he jumped off the boat. Valuable lessons to be learned from the "Alaskan Bush People": When you dress in a completely impractical way, you will get hurt. (See also: They don't own raincoats and live in Southeast.)
The actual hauling around Southeast basically became an episode of "Ultimate Survival Alaska," where they have to make it to their drop-off points at the exact right time to catch the tides. But the Browns aren't very speedy, since they always travel with at least nine people, and they end up having to spend the night in Elfin Cove.
The next day they go fishing for the perfect assortment of Southeast seafood. Are wildlife troopers watching this show? Do they have fishing licenses?
Relevant aside: According to news reports, cast members of "Alaska: The Last Frontier" were charged with hunting violations for using a helicopter to bag a bear. The individual cast members were not the only ones charged -- Wilma TV Inc. of Encino, California, was also charged for facilitating transportation.
Back to "Bush People." The family finished their job and returned to Browntown to find that bear had destroyed their camp while they were hauling weird crap around Southeast. Of course this sent human Bear into a frenzy, where he started running around, jumping onto stumps and climbing trees looking for the animal bear.
"No bear is gonna stop Browntown," said Billy at the end of the episode, and I have a feeling that no number of sassy articles will stop "Alaskan Bush People" from being a cash cow for Discovery Channel either. So we'll see you in season four, Brown family.
Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @ETFBacher.
Alaska Dispatch Publishing