I took a week off "Alaskan Bush People" for my sanity, but like a moth to a flame, or a 29-year-old woman after a glass of pink wine, I went back. Let's just dive into the latest shenanigans of the inhabitants of Browntown.
Billy Brown, patriarch, pioneer and now entrepreneur, decides to buy a 60-foot boat. The whole narrative of the episode is about how he'll find the money buy this massive, 1940s boat. So many things are wrong with this. First, there is no way any boat that big, that actually runs, is only $5,000.
Secondly, the idea that the Browns don't have $5K lying around is ridiculous when they must be making at least a thousand an episode for each of the nine Brown family members. They definitely have the funds to "buy" this boat, and they do end up scraping the money together. After some Internet wizardry I learned the boat does not appear to be currently owned by anyone with the last name of Brown, but according to "Alaskan Bush People," it is now theirs.
Billy Brown also made it seem like they didn't have enough money to fix Bear's broken hand. "Your tree climbing days will be over," said Papa Brown. Billy, if you were really concerned about your son's tree-climbing prowess, you would get him on Obamacare. #SCOTUS
But the greatest thing that's happened on television recently (minus a groundbreaking incident on "The Bachelorette") was when Noah went on a blind date with his future wife, Christy.
"My philosophy on dating is more from 15th-17th century books on courting," said Noah, as though it was something a normal 21-year-old would say. Here are his basic rules:
First date: No physical contact, unless you are crossing a street (typically not a problem in the Bush).
Second date: You may hold her hand.
Third date: You may kiss her.
So Noah shows up to meet his future wife, wearing an outfit that I would call high school goth meets the kid who is really into Shakespeare. He's got a popped collar with a large pendent necklace, and he is either wearing floor length coat or maybe it's a skirt, as he shows up to your average Hoonah house.
"According to my code of honor, I have to ask her grandparents to take her out," he tells the camera. He then tells her grandparents: "I will protect her honor with my meager life."
The most shocking thing was that Christy's response was, "Yeah, that was awesome; I can't believe he did that." Then again, Christy is the kind of girl who wears a Celtic promise ring, whose small talk included the topic of dandelion home remedies, and you get the sense that she's still carrying around an American Girl Doll and maybe even a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.
Finally, there was a weird scene where Matt, 32, and Snowbird, 20, build a hot tub and then get in it completely dressed. I just don't even know what to do with this show anymore. I hate it, I love it, I laugh, I cringe.
I would now like to devote the rest of the column to gossip. Ready, set, here we go:
According to the Hollywood Reporter, the same genius that brought us "Sarah Palin's Alaska" back in 2010 wants to make a reality TV show about Vladmir Putin and other world leaders. He said that the show would be devoid of politics; rather it would focus on "the humans, the nature, the animals of the nation." The producer cited "Sarah Palin's Alaska" as an example of what he'd like to do.
Speaking of the Palins, reality TV star Bristol Palin announced she's preggo (her wedding to another reality TV alum, Dakota Meyer, was called off in May). I guess the pregnancy was "planned." Sounds like she should have followed ol' Noah Brown's 15th-century courting rules. (Mic drop.) Happy birthday, America.
Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @ETFBacher.
*Correction: A previous version of this story incorrectly stated the name of Bristol Palin's ex-fiancé. His name is Dakota Meyer.