Film and TV

Reality Check: Things that go bump in the Alaska night

It's almost Halloween. More importantly, it's almost time for half-price candy.

Every year around this time, several forgotten cable channels decide to devote their programming to the scary, spooky and paranormal. At any given moment, at least three networks are playing "Hocus Pocus" (a children's movie from 1993 about lovable witches played by Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker and some other lady) and "Casper" (a 1995 film featuring the latest and greatest in CGI technology and an amazing performance by Bill Pullman).

Anyway, let's take a moment to focus on the "scary" Alaska reality TV shows. Mostly, it's scary how awful they are.

First up is "Alaska Monsters." I've gotten into this one before -- apparently, they've taken my feedback and are now in the middle of season two. They got rid of the leader, Little Bear, from season one (who was always dressed like a character from "Game of Thrones") and replaced him with the monotone, long-bearded guy named "Crusty." They've removed the painful setup scenes, and instead Crusty reminds us 85 times an episode how dangerous their mission is and how Alaska is big and wild.

"Alaska Monsters" has also narrowed in on all the various iterations of Alaska's Bigfoot, probably because the Wasilla Otterman was too much to take. Each episode they travel to a new spot where Bigfoot goes by a different name, such as Cook Inlet Water Stalker, Yukon Howler, Wind Walker and Siberian Giant. Each episode is basically the same; they talk to strangers who act like they have seen Bigfoot, they find a trail that shows Bigfoot's been there, someone shows a shaky, blurry video of a production assistant running around in the woods looking like Bigfoot and they have a close encounter of their own.

There's nothing that can be said about this show other than it's hilarious to watch grown men traipse around the woods looking to trap the Water Stalker.

I used the Google to look up most of the cast, and it seems like they are actual Alaskans, not actors. The cast comprises a former high school football star, a hunting guide, a post office worker/motorcycle enthusiast and some others. None of them have previous acting or monster experience that I could find. I'd like to see a "making of the band"-type special on how this came together.

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Next up is another Destination America gem, "Alaska Haunting." I don't think this can actually be considered a reality show, but I would bet that there are people out there who don't know the difference. It's equally absurd and I've only caught clips. But from what I can gather, ghost hunters visit people around the state who are being haunted. There is nothing I need to write about this. Just watch this awesome clip.

An aside on Destination America. If you look at Destination America's TV lineup you'll see the following shows: "Alaska Monsters," "Alaska Haunting," "Ghost Asylum," "The Demon Files," "A Haunting," "Mountain Monsters" and "Monsters and Mysteries in America." Plus "Impact Wrestling" and "Railroad Alaska." It's all ghosts, monsters, mystery and wrestling, with a side of wholesome railroad television. They are also promoting "Exorcism: Live." There is a countdown to this groundbreaking event on their website.

That's it for this spooky edition of Reality Check. Don't eat too much candy this weekend, kids, it will rot your teeth like bad TV rots your brain.

Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage, where she reviews Alaska reality TV. You can reach her at realitycheck@alaskadispatch.com or on Twitter @ETFBacher.

Emily Fehrenbacher

Emily Fehrenbacher lives in Anchorage and writes "Reality Check," a regular look at reality television set in Alaska.

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