Celebrating the family we choose

There is a line in the old TV show “Will and Grace” that I’ve always loved and thought should be heard by every Alaskan who has left their home to search for their own truth here: “There’s the family you are born into and the family you choose.”

A lot of us here in Alaska come from elsewhere. And if you live in Alaska, elsewhere is always far away. So we gather around us people who become our chosen family to fill in the gaps caused by the absence of our birth family. Sometimes we find out that our chosen family is a lot easier to be around during the holidays and a lot easier to handle all year. Turns out that absence plus distance does make the heart grow fonder, but the visits no easier.

I’ve been in Alaska a long time. My chosen family is pretty much closer to me than my birth family. I met the wife of the family when she was just a little girl. I’ve known her and her husband since they first met. And I was thrilled and blessed to be able to hold their daughter when she arrived. Just to top it all off, I actually got to be in the room when that lovely woman gave birth to her son. I was his mom’s fairy godmother. Now I’m her son’s fairy great-godmother. If that’s not a family that I belong to, then I don’t know what is.

For many of us, when we first move to Alaska, the most energy is put into maintaining those faraway ties to our birth family. We can’t imagine any other family feeling so easy and good and loving to us. Then, if we are very lucky, we find that family. It doesn’t mean our birth family isn’t still special to us. Rather, it means that we have been lucky enough to belong to two amazing families.

It’s not just a new family that we acquire when we move here from there. We also amass a crowd of wonderful friends who are there for us when we need them, when family is not around for us. Those friends took care of me, my animals and my home when I was so sick this summer. Friends showed up to help from Fairbanks, Barrow, Anchorage and New Jersey. I don’t know about you, but I consider that very, very special. I wasn’t the easiest person to live with after my heart attack. I’ll never be easy when I am not on my own. But that did not deter people from putting up with me. As horrible as that period was, I’ve never felt so lucky and loved.

Among other things, I am not a holiday person. Big-time not a holiday person. So I am pretty miserable from Thanksgiving through Christmas, living in fear I will be invited someplace decorated as if Christmas threw up all over it. I’ll have to pretend I like green and red and gold everything scattered all over a living room. My chosen family and my Alaska friends are there for me year-round. So I don’t worry about turning down those holiday invites. I know I will still be part of their lives, no matter what the date.

If you live here in Alaska and don’t feel this way, if you feel lonely and isolated at the holidays, trust me that somewhere out there in the howling Alaska wilderness, there are friends and family just waiting to meet you. I met my family in Barrow and my friends at Bird TLC. So if you don’t live in a remote village, perhaps finding an interest you share will bring friends pouring into your home. Whether it’s knitting, animal rescue, music or writing, there is a group in Anchorage that will be happy to have you as part of their group. And once they do, you’ll make friends the likes of which you never imagined you’d have.

Happy holidays. Please don’t bring decorations to my house.

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