Aren't polls fun? Travel and Leisure, a magazine, does one about how people dress and all the media heavyweights pick up on it.
• The Washington Post: "Polls says residents of Alaska's largest city are worst dressed in the nation.''
• The Boston Globe: "Poll names Anchorage residents worst dressed."
• ABC News: "What's the Worst-Dressed City in America?"
• London's Daily Mail: "Too cold for fashion? Anchorage, Alaska, is rated America's worst-dressed city.''
Those crazy Brits. They probably don't realize Anchorage's climate is influenced by the ocean, just like England's. Because of that, it's colder in the winter in Minneapolis than Anchorage. You really can't blame weather for our slovenliness. If, of course, that is what we are.
Clearly the English have never heard of David Green Master Furrier, who produces some stunningly fashionable cold-weather wear. Or maybe it's that the Daily Mail just hates fur. Certainly, the English do.
You know the Brits: Animals are to be eaten, not skinned, which might account for all the really bad food in England. Brisket really does taste better without the hide on. Maybe if they'd skin the damn beef, the Brits wouldn't lead the Medred Poll for Worst Damn Food in the Galaxy.
Admittedly, this is a one-man poll, but at least you know where it's coming from: Me.
Who was polled by Travel and Leisure? "Readers.''
Who are they? Who knows? Apparently anyone willing to buy the magazine or click on the website.
What do they know about fashion? Who cares?
How many of them participated in this poll? What does that matter?
Polls are fun. They are even more fun when they are presented as "news.'' You have to love news today:
• "Poll Says America Ready for Hard Choice on Fossil Fuels, Climate." Yeah, right. You can have my Ford F250 pickup after you pry my cold, dead, fingers off the steering wheel.
• "Poll Says Cowboys are Still "America's Team." Or, by God, they sure as shootin' still are if you live in Texas! Don't mess with Texas!
• "America Hates Los Angeles, Poll Says." OK, so some poll is bound to get something right sooner or later. If you sat a monkey down at a computer and let him he randomly type forever he might one day write the Great American Novel, too.
• "Poll Says Mississippi Most Religious State." What the polls does not say, of course, is that they every second resident has become a Muslim.
Advice from Anchorage to Binghamton: Dress down, relax, you'll feel better about life. People in suits are uptight and worried about everything. Ties do that. Who invented the tie anyway and how did it become fashionable?
"Here, I've invented a fabric noose to place around your neck, and you should wear it in the name of fashion. That will be $39.99.''
Who in their right mind would make this purchase? Obviously, not an Alaskan. Apparently not even those close to Alaska who live in Los Anchorage, home of America's worst dressed.
We should be celebrating. It could be a lot, lot worse. Imagine if a poll found Anchorage "number one for nude beaches." Like Spain. Wouldn't you really prefer Anchoragites keep their unfashionable clothes on their tubby, misshapen white, black, brown, yellow bodies?
Alaska Dispatch encourages a diversity of opinion and community perspectives. The opinions expressed herein are those of the contributor and are not necessarily endorsed or condoned by Alaska Dispatch. Contact Craig Medred at craig(at)alaskadispatch.com