Dear Wayne and Wanda,
Last year, I was in a serious relationship with a guy who lives in the Valley. His divorce still wasn't final, and he had two young daughters. The long distance and the fact that he wasn't legally divorced would usually be deal-breakers. And I knew dating someone with young children could make things more complicated. But I went for it, because "Bryan" seemed so nice, normal, strong, romantic and was basically the most wonderful guy to come my way in a long while.
After nearly a year together, and as his divorce and custody of the kids were being legally finalized, Bryan vanished. He stopped calling, texting, everything. A month after radio silence, he sent some cryptic texts about how he was depressed and broken and in no place to have a relationship and it wasn't about me, blah blah. I was devastated. I was sure we would last, and I had come to love his kids too.
I hoped he would snap out of it. He seemed on the verge of coming around. He reached out a couple times, insisted on taking me out on my birthday in December, and suggested we might fix things. Then, after a New Year's Day breakfast, he dropped off the face of the Earth, only to text me this March that he "found himself in a serious relationship," and the woman and her daughter had moved in with him. As if that wasn't shocking enough, the other day I learned he is getting married, and in fact he proposed in April.
I've dealt mentally with the insulting and abrupt way he passively ended our relationship. But I am struggling with how this guy who was "broken" last fall was proposing to someone just months later. I had thought our relationship was so significant, so real, and now I wonder what the hell it was all about. Did I really know this guy? Was it all BS? I really want to call him and tell him off.
Wanda says:
Don't bother calling. This guy is clearly someone who thinks only about what he needs, and the concept that he's impacted you with his thoughtless behavior — from the tacky breakup to the rushed new relationship — hasn't crossed his mind. Worse, if it has, he doesn't have the dignity, strength or respect for you to address it. Telling him off would change nothing, and it won't make you feel better.
Here's the thing: in relationships, men love holding that quintessential role of "the rock." It sounds like Bryan's disastrous vanishing act last fall (kids these days call that "ghosting") was just the opposite of male strength. Instead, he abandoned you, demonstrated crushing weakness and gave you nothing in return.
He may have contemplated trying to work things out as he felt better, but he surely realized he could never regain the masculine luster of his former self. Simply put, to feel like a super-strong studly man again, he needed to start fresh with a new girl.
It hurts when someone we love moves on. It hurts more when they move on that fast. But just because they've moved on doesn't mean they've healed and it doesn't mean they won't repeat the mistakes of their past. Take heart in knowing you dodged a buckshot spray of bullets here; Bryan seems to have serious issues with communication and with being able to stand on his own. You don't want someone who bounces from relationship to relationship. You want a partner who can stand strongly at your side and won't vanish when things get tough.
It may seem like he's moved forward without you. But sometimes an apparent move forward is really someone sliding backward. So as that "Frozen" princess says, let him go. Oh wait, that's let "it" go, isn't it? Well, him, it, let it all go, and continue on your path of recovering from your heartache. It takes time, but it's important to fully process past relationships in order to be ready to commit to new ones.
Wayne says:
Dang. Not cool, Bryan. Not cool at all. How do you flip the script and ghost after a year in a seemingly solid relationship? You brought your daughters into her life, man! People — you just can't trust them.
It's probably no consolation, but I agree with Wanda that you probably avoided an even bigger heartbreak had you invested any more time trying to fix Bryan or fix "it." He clearly wasn't cut out to go the distance with you yet. And I doubt he's ready to go the distance with his fiancee, either. Dude really sounds broken and needs to do some healing the slow and hard way.
I don't agree with Wanda or whatever princess from whatever movie she's referring to in regards to you letting it go. You were wronged. In epic fashion. And I believe that you deserve closure on your terms. So as long as you stay within the laws of the municipality (no keying his car) and the ethical code of being a decent human being (no making his car a Pokemon Go Gym), you have the right to getting this off your chest once and for all.
Want to give him hell in a strongly worded phone conversation, email or text? Let the bombs fly! Feel like you need to get your groove back? Book a trip to a tropical locale and tango with a sexy local! Think Dr. Phil has all the answers? Good luck getting past his producers, but it's worth a try. Got the urge to fly across the country and buy yourself a really expensive lapdog? That's your prerogative – I'd adopt if I were you.
Point is, you have every right to closure. Figure out what you need to get the weight off your shoulders, do it and leave this car wreck in the rearview.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.