Dear Annie: My husband and I are very open and trusting with one another. However, I noticed he has recently been more cautious about me looking at his phone screen while he’s using it. It seems he’s always trying to close a window and lock his phone whenever I walk into the room.
So, I gave into my curiosity and looked at his phone while he was still sleeping one morning. I found a “hidden” folder of explicit photos of women -- most of whom we know in real life. Neighbors. One of my close friends. And they’re not “nudes” that these women would have sent to him. These are photos taken from their social media pages where they may have been wearing something skimpy (like a bathing suit) or posing in a promiscuous way.
I don’t know how to handle bringing this up to my husband. I feel really guilty in the first place for breaking our trust and snooping on his phone, but it feels really strange that he has photos like that on there, especially of people we know. It feels like cheating.
I’m not a prude about explicit content. People look at it; it’s no big deal. I don’t consider someone in a relationship who watches pornography to be a cheater. However, again, these are women we know, and to save these kinds of photos to your phone is so strange. I want to tell my husband how this has made me feel, but I’m really hesitant to even say anything at all. I’ve been holding in my emotions while I figure out how to approach this, and it’s making me sick. I can’t handle seeing him every day and not telling him what’s on my mind.
Annie, what do you think? Is it a big deal that my husband has these photos? Is it even worth it to have this conversation? If so, where the heck do I start?
-- Shocked at Secret Photos
Dear Shocked: Anything that makes you or your partner uncomfortable is certainly worth having a conversation about. I agree that risque photos of women you both know feels more alarming than admiring a supermodel or popular female celebrity; the familiarity with and accessibility to these women in real life is understandably unsettling.
Come clean with your husband about what you saw and how it made you feel. The longer you sit alone with this information without confronting it, the more anxious and insecure you will be -- in yourself and in your relationship. While you describe your marriage as one that is “open” and “trusting,” those, too, can benefit from couples counseling. The fact that you felt compelled to look through your husband’s phone in the first place tells me that the pillars of trust in your relationship could use some TLC.
Dear Annie: This is in response to “Doubting Everything in Life,” a young girl who is a rising high school junior. The introverted teen wrote about her fear of making wrong decisions. You offered her some good advice. May I add this quote that we shared with our kiddos?
Teen: “What if I fall?”
Mother: “Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”
I might add that I still use this on my 80-year-old self.
- Sunny Grandma in Indiana
Dear Sunny Grandma: A beautiful quote and sentiment, indeed, courtesy of Erin Hanson. Oftentimes, the most wonderful things in life come from taking chances. No matter what lies ahead for “Doubting,” I hope she remembers this and that she is strong and courageous enough to handle anything that comes her way.