Q: My parents are Mexican immigrants. I’m in college right now staying with them, and I’m almost done with my degree. My concern is that after college I know I eventually want to move out, but I don’t want them to guilt trip me into staying with them.
In their mind, I should stay with them until l’m ready to settle down with someone I’m marrying. I want to be able to move out and explore different cities around the country, meet new people, and have different experiences outside of my town.
How do I break the ice and tell my parents not to guilt-trip me into staying with them?
- Stuck Daughter
A: Your parents can “guilt trip” you into staying only if you let them. You can’t control whether they try to use guilt to stop you from moving. You can, however, control how you respond and how it impacts you and your decision.
A lack of separation in your relationship with your parents may be diminishing your sense of self and making this guilt unmanageable. Separating yourself doesn’t mean ignoring what they think; it means making space for your desires and needs in the relationship, too.
Your parents’ guilt trip isn’t even about you. Often people weaponize guilt because they can’t manage their own distress. It can indicate a lack of emotion regulation and conflict-resolution skills. Though guilt can be manipulative, the intention behind it isn’t always malicious. Your parents may genuinely believe they know what is best, and, like many immigrant parents, they are protective of their children, and especially daughters, because of their own anxieties. They want to keep you close and help set you up for success and security in the ways they know how - marriage to a suitable partner. Next time they try to guilt-trip you, ask them directly about it by saying something like, “What is it that you’re really worried about?” This may open a larger conversation around their fears, their loneliness if you leave, or another issue you can address.
Sometimes we feel guilt because we cross social or cultural norms in our families, but we have yet to interrogate whether they’re norms to which we also subscribe. In short, you have to figure out whether the guilt you feel is justified. Is it coming from acting immorally and doing something harmful, or is it simply rooted in disappointing your parents and diverging from their expectations? The former means you should change your behavior. However, the latter indicates that, on some level, you believe disappointing your parents counts as a moral failure. It doesn’t.
I’d encourage you to consider what it is you want more specifically. In the United States, wanting to experience the world is enough of a reason to pursue it (and normal after college!), but your parents are operating under a different cultural framework of what is “normal.” If you want to try to get them on board with your choices, you may need to be more specific about what you want, and how you’ll get there. This will help you get clarity on what is important to you, have a thought-out plan to share with them, and mitigate their fears. When talking to them, focus less on the guilt trip and more on your own needs. This may sound like “I would like to have a conversation about what I am thinking for next year. Your opinion matters, but I would appreciate it if you could hear me out first. Is that okay?”
Invite your parents to consider their feelings by reflecting and reframing their guilt-riddled statements. For example, when they say some variation of “Why would you leave us?” it can be easy to feel as though they are focused only on what they want, not what you want. Instead of channeling the frustration, consider responding with something along these lines: “I know you’ll miss me/I know you’re scared. I’ll miss you, too, but this is something I want to explore.” You may even offer a compromise during these discussions, like, “I am not going that far and will see you once a month.”
You can love your parents and want something different from what they want. Ultimately, if your parents are not on board and continue to guilt-trip you, you have to decide whether you are willing to move out after college without their financial or emotional support and how you can make that work.