Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My fiancé and I have been together for four years, and we always shared great relationships in a close circle of friends. We would go out, or someone would host a party and everyone would get together. Sometimes I would just get together with one or two other people for coffee or lunch. Neither of us have any family in Alaska, so our friends were like our family.
That all changed when we had a baby a year ago. I love our son more than anything, but it's almost like my friends want nothing to do with him, and nothing to do with us anymore. Most of them don't have kids. They sometimes still stay up late and drink, which I obviously can't really do anymore, but I'd still like to be invited to whatever everybody is doing. I hear later about parties we weren't even invited to and it really hurts my feelings.
I've heard from other mothers this is the way it goes when you have a child, because your priorities change and you tend to start making friends with other parents. I miss our old friends though. We didn't stop being fun just because we had a baby! I can understand if they don't want a screaming infant at their dinner parties, but couldn't they at least invite us and give us the chance to find a sitter?
-- Lonely Mommy
Wanda says,
I'm sorry to hear all that. You know, logically, I get that people change and relationships evolve and all that. But emotionally it hurts every time when friends drift apart.
The good news here is that you don't have to let that happen -- you (and your guy, if he feels the same way) can simply be more proactive. You mention not being invited to parties. But did you pick up the phone earlier during that week just to say hi to anyone? Are you instigating any coffee dates, walks in the sunshine, Sunday brunches? I know you're a new mom and you're busy -- but if this is important to you, you'll make an effort and not put so much of the onus on your friends. Be the one to make plans.
I'm sure it's not that your friends want nothing to do with your child. They'd probably like to see more of him. I'm only guessing, but perhaps they stopped remembering to invite you to get-togethers when you became less available? In all likelihood they miss you and want to see you -- they're just figuring you'll let them know when it's a good time for you. So let them know.
Wayne says,
News flash to new mom: You did stop being fun when you had a baby -- you stopped going to parties, stopped hanging out with your gals, and stopped putting extra effort into maintaining friendships.
The trade-off: You're living the dream. You have a fiancé, you have a baby, you have a family. This is the life you've always wanted, right? You win!
So why do you suddenly feel ostracized? I hear this all the time from new moms -- they fall off the radar for six months, then emerge and feel like everyone is ignoring them. Sorry but the world kept spinning while you were nesting.
Think of all the important moments in your friends' lives that you've missed since baby arrived. Birthday parties. Promotion celebrations. Girls' night out. Sure not as important as having a baby, but for non-moms, pretty significant stuff. And how many dinner parties did you skip before you found out about the recent unvite?
Soon this will be a non-issue. Your party scene will exclusively involve inflatable castles, runny noses and screaming. Lots of screaming. And your dinner party menu will feature macaroni, cheese, chopped up hotdogs and sippy cups. Have fun with that.
If you want to have your old friends back, put in a little effort and pray that they all have babies soon. Meanwhile consider expanding your friend circle to people who understand what it's like to have a child.
Next time you're at Once Upon A Child, compare diaper bags with that other young, lonely looking mom, then start planning play dates.
• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.