Culture

Wayne and Wanda: Polyamorous, monogamish, or something else entirely

Last week, Wayne and Wanda responded to letters from people who suspected friends' partners were unfaithful and questioned whether they should alert their buddies. In one case, a girl saw her friend's man on Tinder. In another, a guy saw a buddy's woman at a bar, clearly flirting with a guy. While Wayne and Wanda mused on the pros and cons of getting involved, a reader had a different take:

"Your first response to the pair of letters on potentially unfaithful spouses missed the mark and showed a narrow view of the wide modern relationship spectrum. Many healthy relationships are built, and other divorces avoided, on the foundation that marriage does not have to equal monogamy. While a married partner on Tinder isn't normal, it doesn't prove a spouse is violating the rules set within their marriage. Running to a friend with accusations of cheating carries a lot of assumptions. If wrong, it not only implies you think she is foolish enough to be duped, but could also force the uncomfortable reveal of a partially open or don't-ask-don't-tell marriage. Instead of jumping to a cheating accusation, casually share a story about a relative stumbling into the same Tinder predicament. You should be able to pick up enough context clues to better guide the rest of your discussion. At best, she's in a DADT and goes back to hubby warning him to avoid dating sites from now on thinking their secret is safe. At worst, the conversation leads to a suggestion of infidelity. Either way, you gave your friend the chance to save face."

Wanda says:

This reader brought a different perspective that we blew right past, and a valid one at that. It's hard to pull together data, but consensual non-monogamy -- an "open relationship" -- is becoming more common and discussed in our culture.

People who identify as "poly," or polyamorous, may date more than one person at a time and may have emotional and sexual connections with multiple partners. Consider a friend of mine here in Anchorage; he works for a major corporation, has a lovely girlfriend, and, with her permission, routinely has sex with men. Sometimes she participates.

Then there are "monogamish" marriages, more a don't-ask-don't-tell scenario, where sexual straying is permitted but not discussed. For instance, I have a male friend who regularly meets a lady friend for, ostensibly, drinks and liaisons. She's married, but has a deal with her husband where they see others, as long as they don't talk about it. Is all this sexual openness and inhibition for everyone? No. Does it defy all traditional ideals of marriage? Yup.

If you want to know more, I'd recommend the classic text on polyamory, "The Ethical Slut," or the more recently published "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá, about how the Agricultural Revolution shaped monogamy, and why conforming to it remains a struggle for us lusty humans.

Wayne says:

And what a struggle it is … Most folks in relationships feel a mix of excitement and guilt when their eyes occasionally wander, and these folks are perfectly cool with all of their body parts wandering!

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And more power to you all. Maybe divorce rates would be lower if we could get all of our physical and emotional needs, as well as our fantasies, met without all of those messy feelings of jealousy, insecurity and betrayal getting in the way.

But we are human. Jealousy, insecurity and betrayal cut deeply. The mere thought of our partners being intimate with someone else usually thrusts us into a mini-rage or kick-in-the-stomach sickness. And there's a reason why most wedding vows still include promises of monogamy and faithfulness: because most people just aren't A-OK with their partners sleeping with, or even flirting with, other people.

Monogamy -- traditional? Sure. A bygone belief? No way. I appreciate our reader expanding our answer and our minds. But while monogamy might not be as hot in the streets as Tinder and Ashley Madison cheating sites, it is, and will remain, the popular conviction of choice for most partnerships.

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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