OPINION: It's time to make our 2024 resolutions. But can we keep them?

If New Year’s resolutions are aimed at making us better persons, I have a C-5 Super Galaxy aircraft load that could apply to those of us who look out upon 2024 with a mixture of hope and trepidation.

Resolved:

We will not scream when motorists approach us with headlights brighter than a star going into its supernova phase.

We will not gripe and whine when movie theater sound is so loud our skulls feel like they are splitting open.

We will refrain from cursing when the wind changes direction while operating our snow blowers, caking our faces with snow and sticking to the inside of our eyeglasses.

We will not moan and groan while laboriously discarding junk mail that is possibly responsible for reducing the size of the Amazon rainforest by 10%.

We will not write snarky letters to the newspaper and anyone else we can think of about the massive accumulation of trash along the Glenn Highway, year after year.

We will not get out our hammers or other implements of destruction when the computer, iPhone, printer, modem, router, Ring system, or anything else tech-related in our houses fiendishly torment our souls.

With steely resolve, we will hold our tongues and sit quietly while scores of obnoxiously loud commercials air on television; rather than gripe, change the channel or leave the room.

During power outages, we will not call and harass the utility multiple times to ask when electricity will be restored.

We promise not to relentlessly complain to the Department of Transportation about ice-caked, bumpy roads that rattle our bones and loosen the bolts on our car’s engine blocks.

We will cease to burden our wives, companions, friends and others with relentless harangues about the freeze-thaw cycles of our winter weather.

At the grocery store we will attempt to contain our frustration when locating a checkout clerk is like finding water on the Gobi Desert.

We shall not vent streams of expletives nor experience soaring blood pressure when we can’t log into the portal that contains important health information.

When encountering the terrifying phrase, “some assembly required,” we will no longer blame manufacturers’ poor instructions rather than our own mechanical ineptitude. This one is especially mine.

We will not be surprised if U.S. Congress continues to believe governing the nation is one of its lowest priorities.

We resolve not to grimace or wear a scowl when things in 2024 do not go our way — this is probably as good as it’s going to get.

When sales clerks or others tell us to “have a nice day,” we will not forget what they said and actually put forth an effort to have one.

If we fail in any or all of the above resolutions, we resolve not to castigate ourselves or blame others.

Frank E. Baker is a lifelong Alaskan and freelance writer who lives in Eagle River.

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