Dear Wayne and Wanda,
For years, my best friend "Shelly" has been my go-to partner for dinners, events, a Friday night out, etc. We also do yoga together, have gone on a couple of vacations together and have shared some Thanksgivings and Christmases when neither of us had family nearby. At times, I feel like she's more of a sister than a friend, because we're so close and have spent so much time together.
Now that I'm dating "Mike," I don't have as much time for Shelly. In fact, being with Mike has made me see that maybe I was spending too much time with Shelly. In hindsight I realize that neither of us had a serious relationship the past couple years, almost like our relationship was with each other — not in a sexual way, but in the way that the sheer volume of time we spent together looked more like the amount of time you would spend with a partner or spouse.
Anyway, Shelly has complained lately that we don't hang out as much. She's also been dropping by the house more, uninvited. She's always done that but now that Mike is here so often, it's awkward. I feel bad, but the fact is, there are only so many hours in the day, and now that I'm seeing Mike, I simply don't have the time I had before. I can tell Shelly is hurt, maybe even a little jealous, and I can't figure out how to balance this friendship against my relationship.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Wanda says:
About two years ago, my go-to girlfriend got a boyfriend. Suddenly, the woman I counted on for emergency after-work drinks or spontaneous Sunday brunches was completely occupied with her new man. I instantly missed my friend and it didn't help that on the spare occasions I saw her, her new boyfriend was always in tow, putting a damper on our usual girl-talk topics.
My friend was well aware that I felt neglected and she acknowledged that dynamics had shifted. She also said something surprisingly honest: that while she would always make time for our friendship, her boyfriend and her relationship with him was definitely her current priority.
And it's true, isn't it? When we meet a new romantic partner, the excitement is consuming. We want to know everything about them, spend a ton of time together, bask in the easy, early stages of happiness — and the relationship can very quickly catapult to the number one slot of the relationship roster. While this contradicts the girl-power messages delivered to us ladies via "Sex and the City" — i.e. the concept that our friendships are our most important relationships — it does make sense. Friendships are always important, but frankly, most people aspire to find a romantic partner, settle down and grow old together. Finding that bond takes effort, and means making a commitment to someone that's more significant and involved than other relationships.
But you've got to feel for Shelly. While you have an awesome new relationship to focus on, she is solo; while you are cooking Mike dinner and cozying up for movie night, she's glumly nuking a Lean Cuisine and pondering whether it would be any fun to go downtown alone for a drink. OK, maybe it's not that bad, but you get the point. In a way, we can feel a bit dumped when our bestie pairs up with a partner. Not only does it accentuate our own solitude, but we can find ourselves struggling with resentment and guilt for begrudging their newfound happiness.
Keep things in perspective. The only reason the two of you are struggling is because you have an amazing friendship and much love for each other. So schedule a girl date, stat. Tell Shelly how important she has been to you and that even though you know you don't have as much disposable time as you once did, you're committed to your friendship and will find ways to make time for her.
Wayne says:
Shifting dynamics of close friendships are part of grown-up life; dating, marriages, divorces, kids, career changes, etc. can all rock the friendship boat. Normally, we adapt and true friends find a way to continue in strong, but complementary, roles. What isn't normal is when a longtime bestie, adventure-and-travel buddy, last-second dinner date, concert cohort and best-secret-keeping friend kicks another friend to the curb the second they find someone else to hang out with. Really, it can feel worse than being dumped; this is like being stabbed in the back by a family member, much like the way Fredo Corleone did Michael. (And then like the way Michael did Fredo …)
Our letter writer mentioned, from her warm cozy seat on the couch next to Mike no doubt, that she thought in hindsight that it was probably unhealthy to spend so much time having fun, making memories and maintaining such a deep friendship with Shelly. Like it was holding her back from finding something better or something. I wonder how unhealthy she would have felt during that time if she didn't have a friend like Shelly in her life … I bet she'd be wishing for an unannounced friend drop-in.
The thing with friends who put us aside is: they'll be back. Like anytime their significant other goes for a weekend with their old friends. Or when one partner isn't making the other happy and there needs to be a bestie venting session. Or when one partner tells the other that they are spending way too much time together, that they feel overwhelmed and that they really miss spending quality time with their best friends.
And if the whole Mike thing doesn't work out, guess who gets the first phone call … that's right, the old bestie Shelly who bounces right back into that number one spot. Until things are worked out with Mike or another Mike is found, that is.
There's a lesson for all of us here: Before we burn bridges with our Shellys and then desperately try to rebuild those bridges (especially during a frantic rebound call), think about whether you want to be a here-today-gone-tomorrow friend or a best friend who can balance two special people in your life.
Want to respond to a recent column, point out a dating trend, or ask Wanda and Wayne for wisdom regarding your love life? Give them a shout at wanda@alaskadispatch.com.