Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’ve been talking to this guy that I met at my summer job last year. We have both admitted to each other that we like each other and are willing to see where our relationship leads. I’m not one to give guys a try, because I just am not. With him though, it seems to be different, and I’m actually putting effort into it.
I noticed one day that his Facebook profile says he is still in a relationship with his ex. They do have one child together and it’s understandable that they would still be friends on Facebook. When I asked him why it said he was “in a relationship,” he told me it was because if he didn’t say that, he wouldn’t be able to see his child. Which I totally understand. That doesn’t bother me, but I’ve had a gut feeling that he is still in love with her.
I’ve asked him about it and he won’t answer the question. Should I just leave it alone? He does have a lot going on right now, which I get, but I just don’t want to end up getting hurt. What should I do?
Wanda says:
Best-case scenario: this guy has a seriously complicated and dramatic life where his ex — to whom he will always be bound because, child — has serious control over him. Worst case: he’s totally lying to you, and he’s either still involved or still in love with her or both. Are you willing to live with either scenario?
Let’s focus on the best-case scenario and assume he’s telling the truth. Ergo, the truth goes something like this: he has a child with a woman who insists they maintain a public-facing facade of still being romantically involved and she has threatened his access to his child if he doesn’t fall in line. And he’s complying. Not only does this reek of dysfunction, it also is a situation with no end in sight. He will have that child with her for — well, forever. So not only will you always be second to the kiddo, you’ll also be second — third? — to his Jerry Springer drama with another woman who’s a full-on puppet master.
And that’s the best-case scenario. No thank you.
Honestly, the best-case scenario is also the least likely. Why would his ex want him to lie about their relationship status? Why wouldn’t he sort out the custody matters with legal parties so he wasn’t vulnerable to her weird demands? Why wouldn’t he just answer when you ask if he’s still in love with her?
It’s clear that he’s taking advantage of you. Walk away now.
Wayne says:
So, you’re asking us to answer questions about a guy who won’t answer your burning, totally rational, totally reasonable early-in-the-relationship dating question. In doing so, I believe you have answered your one big question, and probably many more. In case that isn’t clear: listen to your gut, don’t get hurt, move on from this guy.
When you said you usually don’t give guys a try, did you mean strictly dudes or dating in general? Either way, you weren’t kidding. Because the first thing everyone other than you does when they are suddenly smitten with or secretly crushing on anyone is click over to their social media channels and go full Sherlock Holmes on them. Had you done that, you would have quickly noticed that he was still attached to his ex and the whole world knows it.
So unless he’s willing to change his status to “in a relationship” with you, or at the very least switch to “single,” you should avoid getting yourself into an “it’s complicated” situation and unfriend him from your life.
[Because of a high volume of comments requiring moderation, we are temporarily disabling comments on many of our articles so editors can focus on the coronavirus crisis and other coverage. We invite you to write a letter to the editor or reach out directly if you’d like to communicate with us about a particular article. Thanks.]