Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My two siblings are older, married and have kids. My parents are semiretired and sold their one car during COVID. They constantly need rides — to the store, the doctor, for errands. They often need help with things around the house, whether it’s changing lightbulbs or mowing the lawn or taking loads of stuff to Goodwill. I bring them dinner at least once a week because they miss restaurants but still aren’t comfortable eating out. Sometimes a week will pass when they need my help daily. Sometimes, they just want company. Generally, I’m very happy to help.
But 90% of the time, I’m the one helping out, not my siblings. It wasn’t like this before COVID. Back then we shared the chores, but now my parents need even more help and my siblings are helping even less. It’s especially annoying because my brother literally lives a few blocks from them and I drive by his house on the way to theirs and his truck is almost always in the driveway, so I know he’s available. I’ve suggested a couple times he or my sister take on some of these tasks and they both say things like “It’s just too hard with kids” or “The kids just keep us so busy.”
I may not have kids or a spouse. But I do have a part-time job, and during COVID, I reenrolled in college to finish my business degree, which is in itself a full-time job. At this rate, I’ll be single forever, because between all that and being at my parents’ beck and call, I barely have time to go out. I don’t even know that I want to get married or have kids. I’ve always liked the idea of a lower-stress, child-free life — and instead I find myself stuck being my parents’ primary helper. How can I get my siblings to help out?
Wanda says:
I don’t doubt that kids keep your siblings’ hands and days full — especially during peak COVID when closed schools meant many adults were suddenly struggling to balance remote work and homeschooling simultaneously. That said, things are leveling out now, and while we’re still figuring out what the new normal looks like, it’s fair to say that collectively, we’re in a more steady state and we can all pull our weight in our family units.
Caring for aging parents is, for most adult children, a kindness and a responsibility. It’s great that you’ve so selflessly stepped up, and I agree, it’s time to have more help. And the time really is now. People formed new habits during COVID, built new routines, and found new ways of working and living. In your case, interacting and helping with your parents increasingly became and remains a cornerstone of your calendar. Meanwhile, your siblings pulled back and focused on their own households — and are still doing so today.
It’s time to speak up before their self-focused approach is cemented. Tactically, you could approach this in various ways, including by each of you taking different days, weeks or months — for example, you’re the on-deck driver in December, and come January, your brother and his truck are on shuttle duty. Or, divide the labor by specific tasks, like grocery runs versus yard work versus household chores.
Whatever you settle on, it starts with communication. Explain to your siblings that while you may not appear busy, and you acknowledge you don’t have the added responsibility of parenting, you really are tied up with work and school and you could use some help. Also appeal to their parental perspective and remind them that your parents surely love time with their grandkids, so their support has that added bonus of generational bonding.
Wayne says:
Not to go all ungrateful son here, but it’s your parents, not you or your siblings, who need to assess their demands and resulting workload, and then start assigning them as chores to their children just like the good old days when they were basically free labor. Or better yet, be grown-ups and do some of it themselves.
Why are you stuck answering all of the calls, doing all of the work, and dealing with all of the stress of negotiating with/begging your siblings to pitch in? Because you choose to. Sure, you want to help, but there’s a line and everyone is crossing it. Your parents might be “semiretired,” but they’re certainly living the full-on retirement home life because you are providing services for any and everything they may want or need. Stop volunteering! You’re busy and trying to have a life too.
They need help? Help them help themselves! Scared of COVID? Tell them to get a shot — or three — mask up, use hand sanitizer and minimize exposure when going out. Don’t have a car but need rides all the time? Call an Uber and mask up, or buy your car back. Want restaurant food but fear going out? Introduce them to Grubhub and remind them that many restaurants still deliver food — and groceries! — directly to their door, just like you do!
OK, sure, they’re old and they’re your parents and there’s a certain level of respect and responsibility involved with taking care of the people who have taken care of you and your siblings — and now their children, too, I’m guessing. But instead of having you on speed dial, put the obligation on them to regularly create lists of household and lifestyle chores that are not the safest or wisest for them to do themselves, and then have them assign the duties fairly and accordingly among their kids: the bulb changing, the lawn mowing, the driveway shoveling, the Costco loading/unloading, the occasional ride to/from important appointments.
With that structure and shared responsibility in place, you can actually enjoy popping in and visiting with your parents a few times a week, maintaining that special connection, and not dread the conversation closing with all the things they “need” help with, which equates to all of the things you have to do for them.