Q: My 13-year-old stepson primarily lives with his mother out of state and my husband and I have him summers and school breaks. One of his issues is lying. My husband and I work hard to curb him of this but it seems to be getting worse with his mother. He has a little brother with his mom’s household who requires a lot of attention so my stepson sometimes flies under the radar and probably gets away with a lot of his lies there, but is in big trouble when caught. I am concerned we aren’t doing the right things to curb this behavior and my husband thinks that all kids lie to keep from getting in trouble so doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I disagree. I was not a kid who lied. Nor were my friends. I think this is a potentially HUGE problem but am at a loss for dealing with it effectively. Any guidance would be appreciated!
A: Thank you for writing in, as I know lying can feel like a smack in the face to many caretakers. When children are young, lying or telling half-truths feels more like the outcome of an imaginative mind. Yes, the young child may lie because they don’t want to get in trouble, but they aren’t mature enough to make a series of calculated decisions around lying like older children are. When a 13-year-old lies to us (and we know they’re lying), the deceit feels so in our faces and the refrain, “they know better” rings loud and clear. So, let’s understand lying a bit better in order to clarify what you can do.
Why would a 13-year-old lie?
The truth would cause a separation between the teen and the caretaker. Humans do not like to feel apart from their attachments, and even the perception that the truth may divide could cause a teen to lie.
They get punished or shamed when they tell the truth, thus leaving the teen with two bad options (punished for the truth, punished for the lie).
They have lost their feelings of guilt and shame because they don’t feel safe in their emotions.
They are filled with frustration and anger, and the lying is a sideways attempt to have some power in their lives.
The truth or mistake or their own sensitivity leads to a lie to simply preserve the relationship, even if the relationship is suffering because of the lie.
I’m not fully blaming your stepson for lying. You shouldn’t ignore the lying, nor am I saying that he can’t do better. But if you stay mired in the lies, you will perpetually stay in a loop of frustration, lies, and reaction.
You have to begin with what you can do or not do. I see that the adults in this young man’s life are reacting in two different extremes: the mother misses a lot due to parenting a child who needs more care, and then punishes. You are comparing the young man to yourself who never lied. His father shrugs it off as “no big deal.” No one is right or wrong here, but none of these strategies are helping the teen solve the problems that are leading to the feeling he has that causes him to lie.
Since you can only control yourself, reframe the lying as not so much a moral deficiency, but rather, see your stepson as needing support to feel safe enough to tell the truth. This would look like, first, removing the need to lie. Don’t ask him questions or place him in situations where you know he will lie. Don’t ask, “Were you on your Switch?” when you know he was. Why catch him in the lie when you know where it’s going? Instead, you state what you know and solve problems. “The Switch has been on all day even though the limit was at noon. Let’s figure out some rules around the tech that make sense for both of us.” If you stay stuck on the lying (the behavior you don’t want), you are always parenting in reaction. It’s exhausting for you and worsens the relationship with your stepson.
You cannot control your husband, and so have a meeting with him where you can both loosely agree on something between “lying is AWFUL” and “meh, kids lie.” As a couple, how can you support your stepson to feel safe? We want him to tell the truth, and humans just lie more when they are punished, but we also don’t want to ignore the behavior.
As for the teen’s mom, unless there’s serious abuse happening, there’s nothing you can do but become a safe and stable haven for your stepson. If you have an exceptionally great relationship with her, you could say, “hey, we know Frank has been bending the truth quite a bit, here’s what we are doing on our end ... what’s working for you?” Whether it is you or your husband, staying non-judgmental is the key. We know his mother is carrying a heavier load, so could you offer to take him for more time? Offer some support in another way? If she’s not amenable to discussing his lying or other ideas, I would leave it alone and just show up even more for your stepson. Almost every teen wants to trust adults and tell them the truth; assume that of your stepson, even in the face of contrary evidence.
To help you with teen boys, I recommend picking up “Building Boys” by Jennifer L.W. Fink and “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers” by Lisa Damour, as well as Hold on To Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. I also recommend finding stepparent groups to be a safe place for you to share what’s on your heart; you’re allowed to feel frustrated! Good luck.